Interviewer: Àgbà cookist, sho wa? I hear say you don cook food wey disturb the ‘up-and-coming’, ranging from the Hummer driver to the Unoriginal gateman assisting in securing the union.
CeeJay: Well, it wasn’t our fault. Lactose intolerant no suppose dey drink milk, ulcer patient no suppose dey chop pepper. We gave them the menu but they chose the main meal of wrongdoing which was very spicy. Anyway, full-grown adults suppose know right from wrong.
I: But then, these customers are giving your restaurant poor reviews.
CeeJay: Yes, we have heard. One of the customers even hired a fake food critic, Pauleeti Rikpota, to discredit the quality of food we prepared. As you can see, the food critic had even plagiarised our brand name. Desperation at the most. We’re pretty sure the food critic doesn’t know the difference between a salad and a coleslaw.
I: Wow. What other challenges have you faced?
CeeJay: The most annoying would be customers that taste our food and still prefer junk food. We do not believe in enchantments but it seems that an addictive flavour called sentiment has been added to the junks. Well, studies have shown that those who prefer the weight of the people who prefer Hostels chocolate is greater than those who consume Common Sense chocolate.
I: Despite these challenges, have there been bright sides?
CeeJay: Well, surprisingly yes. Every now and then, our restaurant cooks new dishes and some really attract attention. For example, one of our ‘self-acclaimed’ chefs prepared a delicacy, breachomarite, a sour meal with a sharp taste, that goes for just 25k on the menu.
I: Any words for your customers and fans?
CeeJay: Yes. We only prepare the best dishes with due diligence. Our chefs are well-trained to cook the best so you can expect the best from us now, and many generations to come. Our ancestors established this, and we do not intend to shut down for any unjustified angry customer, new notes, or clenched fists. Thank you.