THOUGHTS ON THE LAVATORY: AN ATTEMPT AT ADOXOGRAPHY

image

This morning, 4th of March 2016, my integrity was unexpectedly called to the dock. I had started preparing for an 8 O’ Clock class very late and naturally, I was in a hurry. As I got to the toilet, only one of the openings was vacant. I decided to place the bucket of water and towel in one of the bathrooms (or more appropriately, bathing stalls) in order to avoid the looming loo-traffic, and I started toothbrushing. But before the toothbrush could complete one orbital revolution, a displeased fellow was already occupying my territory, totally disregarding the evidence of an earlier occupation. I was astounded! And like a student who suddenly wakes up late on an examination day, I sprang – in protest against the effrontery. Or is it not said that when two equities collide, the first in time prevails?

And so, I quickly jumped back into the stall to establish my dominion and, disappointed, he vanished like the knowledge of GES after the shout of ‘pens up’! However he did not retreat without dropping lines of resilience. Lines which were so strong and touching as to rekindle my resolve to pen down thoughts on the ‘philosophy of (or thoughts on) the lavatory’. He said something to this effect; why would you place your bucket in the bathroom when you know you are not ready to make use of it? IT IS NOT DONE!

When he left, I thought to myself – why do people even use the expression it is done for things which are more often that not done? Should he not have put it as ‘it ought not to be done’? Anyway, the contention of the moment is not on the thick philosophical line between the concepts of ‘isness’ and ‘oughtness’. Neither is it about the niceties of phraseological correctness. It is rather aimed at thrashing out a few moot points which surround the quotidian usage of lavatories (or toilets if you please).

Back to the issue which propelled and introduced this write-up, was I really on the wrong side of logic to have done what I did? Was it inconsiderate of me? Well, I strongly think not. The first reason for my conviction is that similar things happen in other settings without anyone raising an eyebrow. For instance in the cafeteria, people leave their dishes to wash their hands all the time. And it would be preposterous for someone to displace another person’s dish just because he was not around at that instant. Also, what difference would it have made if I had decided to brush my teeth in the bathroom instead? I would have done exactly the same thing, but in seemingly different ways.

Another issue which has bothered my mind for a long time is the responsibility of flushing. When is it applicable and when can it be overlooked? Many persons often make use of water closets, carefully depositing therein hefty lumps of smelly excreta, and then they abandon the not-so-nice particles there as exhibition for an unlucky successor to pay for. This happens regardless of whether water is available. This is blatantly wrong and it is rooted in our myopic posterity-can-go-to-hell mentality. It is the same underlying reason people litter the streets with glittering litters not minding the damage caused to the environment, and by extension themselves. It is the same reason students deface just about any wall with posters and inscriptions ‘Gambari wuz here’. It is the same reason people do not bother about harsh policy changes as long as it does not affect them or their set (acceptance fee increase for instance).

We must begin to realise that if we cannot solve a problem, the least we can do is not contribute to it. If you cannot make the WC better than you met it, at least do not leave it worse than you met it. This is my opinion: that there is no logical necessity for a person to leave a thing better than he met (unless he promised to so do). The best argument tenable is that of moral obligation. I think it is not necessary for a person to draw two buckets of water to the toilet just because one silly fella forgot his waste there. All you are obliged to do is make sure after you flush (the one time) that your own waste does not outshine the previous dictator’s legacy. If you can ensure this, you have no ‘sin’. But of course, if you consider yourself as a Good Samaritan, then you should go the extra mile of clearing the table for the next diner.

This brings me to the subtle and often ignored connection between the WC and the sink. While many do not see anything wrong in using the WC and not flushing, many among those who do equally see nothing wrong in using the sink and not flushing. They would brush and leave the basin nicely buttered with bacteria-yoghurt – a scene that could have easily been obviated with little sprinkles of water. Know now that the nature of these sins are the same, it is only the extents which vary.

To round off this mental flight, I wish to draw attention to certain unwholesome practices people indulge in in the lavatory. It is true that in this environment (University of Ibadan student community) the lavatory is simply a laughable tragedy. But this disaster has been yeasted like the legendary UI Bread with the misconduct of students. Though the bathroom stalls have no veil to dignify occupants, some would still stay rooted exactly opposite them while a fellow student is stark naked. These are perhaps products of the notorious boarding houses in our secondary schools who only narrowly escaped crude acts of homosexuality.

Though there are no urinals in the toilets (for male halls of residence), we still have those who virtually empty their bowels on the bare floor not minding the discomfort caused or causable to the senior citizens who scrub them. They feel they are doing well by practising Closet-fallowing and using the cement floor instead. But they should realise that, just like the unpopular Class Captain who constantly cries DON’T MAKE NOISE, they are merely contributing to the problem by so doing.

Also though, the taps are long dead from dehydration and the showerheads have degenerated to function only as hangers, we have students of the university who think the solution is to have no solution. They never bother about their neighbour let alone posterity. They use and abuse until the utilities are pushed to disuse. And the few steps to the water tanks, to them, are like long walks to martyrdom.

But it’s time we all rethought our long-standing relationship with the lavatory. Though it has no mouth to complain, its subtle reactions are way worse than the nagging of a disgruntled partner. It’s time we realised that sacrifice is the only price in the desired rise to paradise.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *