By: Abolade Modupe
Hello! Salam Namaste! Ki lo n pop? As it is, this letter is not for everyone (hence the “to whom it may concern”) However, you won’t know if you are part of the concerned set of people if you don’t read till the end , so sit down and enjoy the ride/read (see what I did there?)
It is trite knowledge that I’m on the market i.e. single and ready to mingle (oh la la la la). I know y’all are happy, don’t try to hide the excitement. So, to save you all the stress and the embarrassment of having me block you on Whatsapp or giving the phone to my saucy neighbor to give you a fair share of Ijebu curse, I have come up with a list of what I expect from the next lucky boo. If you do not satisfy all the criteria, please don’t even bother saving my number, kolewerk! So, let’s get down to business!!!
1. A guy who understands the ethics of chatting: Let’s start with this, please, I do not want a guy who writes “Ionno” instead of I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know where the” don’t” and “know” disappeared(pun intended). The worst you can write is “I dunno” as that still makes some sort of sense. Please, I can’t deal having to go check urban dictionary for meaning of the abbreviations known only to 2go users; My 60naira Whatsapp bundle is too precious for that. Still on the chatting etiquettes (oh yes! Bite me), I never expect you to type “send me a picture of you right now”. Do you know how much time it will take to apply “nude” makeup to appear natural, brush my teeth and wear my double padded bra? Please! Never ask for an “on the spot” selfie unless you know I’m at an occasion where I’m all made up.
2. A guy who likes PDA: *drools* See ehn, as I am like this, I love public display of affection. Who does not like it when a guy can carry her bag in public, kiss her face like a cat/dog and even feed her (sometimes, I get too lazy to lift my own spoon). I want a guy who still feeds me and doesn’t care that his pastor is in the same restaurant with us. I mean, a guy that would still carry my bag and won’t care that his mother is on the other side of the road with a spatula (omo-orogun) in her left hand and a keg of holy water on the other hand; shouting that I should release her son from wherever I tied him (hehehe we all know where he is tied). Yes, this is my own definition of PDA (write your own open letter if you do not agree)
3. A guy who allows me end the call: I don’t understand the impatience with guys. I get that the economy is hard, but why not migrate to “MTN betatalk” and get double your airtime (Someday, MTN will pay for this free advert). I will usually never call you except it is your birthday or you have stomach upset and have been in the toilet since the dawn of the day as a result of the peppery spaghetti I served you the previous day. So, when you call me; in the morning and before you sleep everyday, you have to allow me end the call. Allow me the pleasure of “walking out” on you on phone while you view my backside as I leave. Don’t you watch oyinbo movies where the lovebirds argue mushily for two minutes about who ends the call first?? Don’t you know that guys who allow girls end the call live longer than guys who end the call first?? Do you want to die????
4. A guy who is willing to help with my group work research: Due to how serious I sometimes look in class, my course mates get deceived that I’m actually serious and my group leader might assign me the “hardest” part of the group work. I do not care that you are not a law student, you must be more than willing to help me with my research; remember no knowledge is lost. You’ll be in charge of the research and typing while I’ll be in charge of the proof reading and kissing you anywhere you want whenever I score high (Isn’t this offer tempting??? Kiss anywhere you want??? Hmmmm…I want to date myself already). This way, I’ll help you broaden your horizon. Don’t thank me, thank God.
5. A guy who thinks all my selfies are cute: Depending on the side of the bed I wake, I either look like a Smeagle or a witch that lost her wings and had to trek back home from her meeting. As a result of the love I have for myself, I get tempted to take a picture of myself in this horrible state (I’m the only one allowed to call it horrible, for you, it’s a divine appearance). If you happen to stumble on such selfies on my phone, I’ll literally suck your blood and donate your meat to the witches’ coven if you shout blood of Jesus or call any angel’s name. I expect you to go “awwwww” with sincerity written all over your face and I want you to remind me how intriguing my “I woke up like this” face is. Okay, I am moving on…
6. A guy who likes my voice: Due to so many factors, some of us don’t sound like Adele or Sia. I grew up listening to the likes of Salawa Abeni, Barry wonder and Kwam 1 (my paddy). If you don’t want me singing “ero mi to n jo lori omi” for you, please don’t expect me to sing. If you are lucky enough, and the eba I ate is laced with weed and I decide to sing hello cover for you, please your “awwwwww, baby you sound like an angel” has to be simultaneous with the last note of the song. The fact that I sang on 5 different keys doesn’t count. Equity looks at intent rather than form.
7. A guy who doesn’t mind using my picture as DP for at least 350 days out of the 365 days/ 351 days out of 366 days: The 15days exception are for Christmas, your own birthday, your dad or mum’s birthday (I assume we don’t know your grandparents’ birthday), your 3 sibling (I don’t expect you to have more than 3siblings, ok maximum of four) and the remaining slots are for your very close friends. I don’t want to see any picture of a girl as your DP except she is a self acclaimed lesbian who obviously does not live in Nigeria. If your football club wins, you are allowed to put the picture up for just 5minutes. An extra 5minutes if they win any cup/league, after that you return your logo/trademark i.e. le boo’s picture.
8. A guy who looks at me like magic: hmmm. I saw the picture somewhere and I decided to make it a part of this list/open letter. If you don’t know how they look at magic, please go and watch Merlin or any other magic movie. Please, notice I said magic, not juju, this ain’t some fadeyi oloro shii or chiwetalu agu kind of look that turns the girl into a vegetable. It is magic. Look at me like magic not look at me with juju, please don’t spoil my life.
9. Be willing to attend crusade and prayer meetings with me: Praise Jesus! “Bae aint bae if bae don’t pray”. We might have to go for church programmes together. If I fall under anointing (which happens a lot), don’t you dare leave me and go away. If I have to break up with you in church because the pastor said having a bae is unholy, come back after two weeks to see if I still agree with him. Don’t come empty handed. Come with Twix and centre filled chewing gum.
10. This is the last and most important part of this letter. Please, I beg you in God’s name, if your head is bigger than mine don’t you DARE come close. It’s not a competition. If God was so generous and dashed you a big head too, just stay on your own lane and scope my head from afar, don’t even come closer. Please, anything can happen and I don’t want any of my children looking like hammer head of horror.
On this note, I end my letter. Let the proposals begin to roll in : legallyjaded@gmail.com
P.S: Attach an affidavit that clearly states that you satisfy/will comply with all these requirements.
N.b.: Mbok! Everything up there is a joke o. Just get me one basket of tomatoes and Petrol. Voila! I’m all yours!
Mo’
