A SATIRE **
*AS INSPIRED BY THE JUST CONCLUDED GENERAL ELECTIONS AND DEDICATED TO MY OWN FOOLISHNESS.
**ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE, DEAD, ALMOST-DEAD OR NOT YET DEAD, IS A MIRACLE. ALL INCIDENTS, LAST YEAR, THIS YEAR AND NEXT YEAR ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL, AND PERHAPS, AN ORACULAR COINCIDENCE!
INSIDE SEVEN HILLS GOVERNMENT HOUSE!
[Few days to the Presidential election, Guvnor is on the phone with DG of APEECEE campaign. His face looks very tense and serious. Standing beside him is Rascal brother with gaze fixed intently on the Guvnor’s mouth as if he’s counting every word being pronounced]
“Aburo, you don’t worry, my state is for change. ‘Sai Booharry Sai Papa!’ (Laughs hysterically then pause) Of course, the market women are for us. (Pause) The Farmers are on our side too, DG, they dare not vote for that clueless fisherman again, not after all the bobo Adesiyan, the Minister for food, fed them with. (Pause) The civil slaves? Let them vote PEEDEEPEE now, they will definitely have a replay of what happened last XMAS… (Pause) Oh! The squanderers?… that’s true o. Thanks for reminding me DG, I’ll take care of that as soon as I drop this call. APEECEE! …hahahaha… Okay, bye.”
“Egbon, kini DG n so? (What’s DG saying)?”
“Don’t mind the fool jare, ya ya ya ya ya (mimicking), as if he’s the one paying all the money. Workers are on my neck, pensioners are demanding for my head and I don’t even know what to do! The treasury has been emptied all in the bid of getting this old man back to power…Ogun, Osun, Ondo, the situation is pretty the same. And you! Rascal or what did you call yourself, why can’t you tell me we’ve not settled the Squanderers’ leaders…”
“Ha, egbon, were you not aware of what our 500,000 naira caused the other time? The money nearly got them into trouble with the school authority. And even all those jobless people calling themselves campus press people (CPP) kept talking about it as if we’ve committed an abomination by giving them some crumbs of the national cake…”
“Wait! What national cake? Are you high, se o fa ‘gbo? Since when have we received anything from Aso Rock? Please call it properly, state cake not national cake.”
“Yessir, state cake”
“And even gan an sef, have they not come after that to collect another 2 million naira…?”
“(Looks confused) what 2 million naira sir…?”
“Ha! Egba mi, the 2 million I asked Sumonu to give you so you can… ”
“(cuts in) Oh! That’s true…I gave them now, Tabzy, POP and all the oda house leaders”
“Hmmm… I am suspecting you Rascal; oro e mu ifunra l’owo, hope you have not been diverting all these money to your personal use? Same thing happened with Tabzy when we told him to erect a signpost for the Drunkards People and he ended up crediting it to himself.”
“No! Ogun re, I swear to the god of Iron, I have not been doing that …”
“Ok, ok…that’s enough! Invite all the Squanderers’ leaders to the Government House, tell them the Guvnor wants to see them and most especially don’t forget to invite those ones from Agbowo University, you know they are always the first…”
“Trust me your Excellency, I will do just that”
[Two days later. Inside Seven Hills Government House, we can see the Guvnor discussing with HUNTED and POP in a low tones. With them are Radical brother and Tabzy]
“(Clears throat) So, eyin omo (you children), that’s it, don’t disappoint me o. Don’t betray the ancestors of this land o. Make sure you share this money amongst your colleagues and make sure that the state cake reach everywhere it’s meant to reach. Don’t divert it to your personal use o…Well, I trust you anyways.”
“Your Excellency sir, as the President of the Squanderers’ Union, I am strongly promising you that we shall deliver. We are agents of change and we shall make sure the change starts with us. No one wants the clueless fisherman again; our dearest nation needs an upright and righteous man like Booharry. We need an effective party like APEECEE to take over the leadership of this country…”
“(cuts in) that’s true my Guvnor, the change is finally here and we shall welcome it by fire by force. We will share the money accordingly, trust us with that.”
“Good! What do you call your name again? (Pointing to POP)”
“POP sir”
“(Laughs) POP, Plaster of Paris? Eyin omo yii sha, you these children and these funny names…So thank you very much, I need to speak with DG right away. You people should take care of yourself; call the maid to order for anything you want…” (Leaves room)
“Boys, please come together, my share is 200k out of this money o. Na you sabi how you wan take share am among your people, just reserve my own share. And if you guys behave yourself I promise to introduce you to other honourables for the forthcoming state elections…”
“(All shout) RAAAAASSSSCAAAALLLL! RASCAL BROTHER to sure! (All laughing)”
“Hey, Kafila, bring Catfish and wine for everybody, let’s start from there…”
SOMEWHERE IN SEVEN HILLS STATE AFTER THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS
[POP updates Factbook status:
“With the help of God and progressive Nigerians, we delivered ALL polling units inside Agbowo University to APEECEE.
In my polling unit Ward 00, Polling unit 11.
Presidential
Broom 201
Umbrella 73
Senatorial (JOS)
Broom 154
Umbrella 42
House Of Reps.
Broom 167
Umbrella 40
April 00 Next.
Guvnor and Honourable Rascal. By Gods grace.”]
INSIDE SEVEN HILLS GOVERNMENT HOUSE…
[2 days before the gubernatorial election. We can see the Guvnor and Rascal strategising with HUNTED and POP]
“Thank you sons, for the wonderful job you did during the Presidential election. The Party is so much happy with you. While Borde Judge, Rambo, Marke and other giants of the Umbrella party can’t even secure their polling unit for the clueless fisherman, you have delivered yours effortlessly, that’s very courageous of you! However, as our elders will say, it’s not over until it’s over, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? ”
“(All shout) Guvnor for 2nd term! Guvnor leekan sii”
“(Smiles) Exactly! And you know the opponents are not relenting. I heard that Yellow man has started sharing money again and I heard he has littered the whole of Agbowo University with propaganda calling me a liar”
“(All surprised) really?”
“Ha, more than that, he has started conjuring his magic in Ogbomoso again. Now, Egbon Lakoja too is not taking things easy, he has turned all the civil servants against me. Masinde and Tflow are also busy weaving their conspiracies and one of the strongholds we can never play with is studentship. We must make sure we have the students to our side. And once again I am counting on you to deliver your people.”
“Ha, my Excellency, that’s no problem, be rest assured victory is ours once you are able to give tibitibi …” (All laughs)
“Ha, POP, omo ake…you too like money! If I were to be your father, won’t you work for me for free?”
“It’s not like that sir, you quite know this tibitibi is not for us, it’s for the people and it’s the only language they understand…”
“Hmmm, I was just joking, I know tibitibi is the fuel of politics… (Sigh) Ok, this is 500,000 naira, I’m very sorry, it can’t be more than this, and moreover, you all know how much we spent on the Presidential race before we attained the victory of change in Aso Rock”
(They all nods)
“Good. Therefore, readiness should not be delayed. Take this (hands over the 500,000 naira to HUNTED) and make sure you do justice to it.”
“(All responds) No problem, your Excellency!”
“So permit me to go now, I have a critical meeting to attend with the SOUN of Ogbomosho. The loss that happened last year must not repeat itself again. (Stands up to leave) Erm, Rascal, please follow me we need to discuss something very important”
“Ok, your Excellency sir (stands up to follow Guvnor. He’s pointing to POP). Boy, no forget our parol o, We must get the speakership of the Seven Hills State House of Assembly o…No sly me o!”
“Don’t worry egbon, a jo wa ni joor, we are together… (Speaks to HUNTED) O boy, let’s move.”
INSIDE SQUANDERERS’ UNION BUS, DONATED BY SEVEN HILLS STATE GOVERNMENT AROUND AGBOWO COLLEGE HOSPITAL
[POP and HUNTED are seen sitting at the back discussing and chatting. Originality by Faze playing in the background]
“Oga Driver, please change that song to Maga Don Pay”
(Driver changes it to Handsome Kelly, Maga Don Pay)
“Ogbeni, nothing concerns me with Kelly or Maga. Driver, please stop. HUNTED, I go come down from the next bus stop, so let’s share the money now.”
“POP why are you so much in a hurry…let’s go to the brown house to share the money now.”
“Which kain brown house, make all those jobless Campus Press People go dey stalk us again? I beg, Driver stop jare. (The driver stops the bus. HUNTED brings out the money). Delay can be very dangerous brother.”
“But wait o, Ogbeni POP, as the President of the Squanderers’ Union, my share from this money is 250,000 naira, take or leave it!”
“Ehn! Ogbeni wa ma lo s’ere k’ere o, no dey do strong play o. How can you remove 250,000 naira from the money? Don’t forget, we still have to settle others, Oga Tabzy dey there, Kekere dey there, Akin dey there, Yomi sef go ask …and now only you wan comot 250,000 naira. That cannot be possible, remove 100,000 naira and give me the rest!”
“Do you think I’m playing, POP? It’s either you take that 250,000 naira or you don’t take anything. Have you forgotten when you guys together with the House Leaders went to collect 2 million naira from the Guvnor, as the Squanderers’ Union President, did you give me anything? Answer me now?”
“But that is gone. And by the way, it wasn’t my fault. Tabzy was in charge and he did as he was instructed which was to give the money to the House Leaders.”
“Ogbeni, that’s a story for the gods. Are you taking the money or not…”
(Three soldiers appear on the scene)
“Hey, what are you doing there?”
“Good afternoon officer, I am…”
“Shut Up, what’s good about the afternoon, what are you doing here parked in the middle of the road?”
“We are not in the middle of the road officer…” (A soldier, sights the money)
“Eeewoo, see money…where are you guys coming from? Definitely, you must be cultists!”
“Ha! Oga Soldier, no, we are not cultists oo…we are squanderers ooo and we are even squanderers’ leaders.”
“See these yeye people, what’s the difference between Squanderers and Cultists? As I am even looking at you, you look like thieves, o ya , come down everybody! Down! Come down!”
“Ha, officer, we are not thieves ooo…”
“I say come down! Obey before complain (POP tries to hide he money) Leave that money, now, or I shoot your leg! Both of you should kneel down (Both kneeling down)”
“Oga Soldier, we are not thieves now, we are Squanderers’ leaders as you can see on our bus. We are actually coming from the Government House to see the Guvnor about the coming gubernatorial election… ”
“So you guys are political touts too, you steal ballot boxes for politicians?…Oh! No, this is serious”
(A soldier enters the bus and tries to take from the money. The driver alerts POP and HUNTED)
“HUNTED, soldier ma tin m’owo, the soldier is taking the money o”
“Oh, na your eyes dey see everything? O ya come down… we go teach you today how to see and keep silent. (The three soldiers start beating him. After beating him for few minutes, they stop, take out of the money and leave) We don take the money, make you kon collect am. Stupid boys, that’s how they start, from ya age, you don dey sabotage your future. Anyway, that’s ya own cup of tea…bye bye”
“(Oga Driver crying on the ground) Sorry Oga Driver, hope say you go get strength to drive us to Agbowo like this? See what you have done, HUNTED, if you had given me the money earlier this would not have happened. See what your greediness has caused us…”
“You are the greedy one. If you had taken the 250,000 naira, those soldiers would not have met us here. And now, they’ve taken your share of the money…so just forget it, the remaning money belongs to me…”
“Wait, what language is that, you must have drunk a lot of Orijin before we left school, forget what? See we go kill ourselves for here ni o…”
SOMEWHERE IN THE SEVEN HILLS AFTER THE GUBERNATORIAL ELECTIONS
[POP updates facebook status:
“My God, My God!!! Thank you Jesus. That Hon. Rascal won, I am the happiest man on earth today. So many battles we fought, yet we conquered against all odds. So many foes, yet God prevailed. Thank you Jesus.
Hon. Rascal for Speaker, Seven Hills State House of Assembly. lets go there.”
LIKE A MOLUE, STORIES JOURNEY, HAVING NO START POINT OR A PERMANENT BUS-STOP… …THIS IS NEITHER THE BEGINNING, NOR THE END OF THE STORY…!
READERS’ DISCRETION IS GROSSLY ADVISED!
