By Brownie Vocal
The anxiety of a pre-creative process always happens, but today, it feels different. It’s taking much longer. Yet, I need to scale through it. I am scaling through it. Sort of.
I guess I know why it feels different today. The night before, I decided to defy Anxiety. I made up my mind that she wouldn’t have the usual hold she got on me, my new friend told me I can’t keep on letting her win. I thought he had a point. I have to prove that point. So, she spent the whole of today looking me in the face with a smirk that said ‘’How do you like me now?’’
Well, I don’t like you. I’ve just realized; I, unfortunately, need you.
In the shower this morning, I spent an extra two songs in. I can’t tell you what those two songs were, because I didn’t listen to them. Picking up my phone, I didn’t see the music widget, which includes the pause button staring at me on the home screen. I would not have believed the music was still playing all the while I was in the bathroom. I didn’t hear the music, because I’ve always been able to hear my thoughts better than I hear everything else. All my life, Anxiety does a good job of making herself heard. She’s not loud; she’s just…stern, and this morning, she had an awful lot to say.
She took the liberty of reminding me of how unfit I am for a capitalist world and how it means I might never be happy. I recently made a birthday wish list in good faith and realized how much of my problems money could solve. So, I included money in the list, more than a few times. She brought up everything that’s wrong with me (and could possibly be wrong with me). She reminded me about all that is ’wrong’ which would keep me from being happy in a society like this.
”Don’t make your problems your identity.” I said in a bid to counter her.
I set myself up. All I did was giving her something else to eat me with. The day I found those words, I told her it’s a day I gave up on a friend. He laughed at people who ’seemed to enjoy’ their problems by revolving in them. How would I explain to him that after a while, you’d recognize anxiety’s voice before yours? How would I tell him that she’s perched on your shoulder every day, dangling her legs waiting for the right moment to crawl up your neck and into your ears?
Yet, when you are me, you think the fact that you love them is enough proof that they can be saved. So, I tried to explain to him. I sent text after text, to which he gave reply after reply; I sent text after text – till I could feel her in my blood, a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of liquid nitrogen in one hand. Every few seconds, she changed what she was burning me with. Yes, both things she was holding burned. If he could make me feel her so much, I don’t want him in my life. I’m convinced I made a good decision because I haven’t felt the need to unblock him at all.
Long story short, I didn’t win this morning. I didn’t win for the whole day. Even after the nap I had to help me run from her, I immediately woke up to her voice. Here I am, though. Not defying her – channeling her. I’ve honestly learnt I can’t defy her. The only times I try are the days I’m trying to do it for someone else. If I do try, I won’t win. So, I use her. Some days, she’s willing to help. Those days are easier than others. Today is one of those days. I think after all the fun she’s had with me earlier, she’s feeling generous.
I’m thanking her right now. Maybe you should too.
