S.U (SQUANDERERS’ UNION) STALWARTS’ CHITCHAT…
(IN A MOLUE OF NASTY NARRATIVES)
A SATIRE
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE, DEAD, HALF-DEAD OR ALIVE, IS A MIRACLE. ALL INCIDENTS, YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL, AND PERHAPS, A PROPHETIC COINCIDENCE!
SOMETIMES IN APRIL…
(Comraid Coba, Lamzy, Geede, the Jik hall chair and another key-holder of the Squanderers’ Union, are seen around the State secretariat, venue of their meeting with the Essay to Guffnor on Yuuuth, Mr. Engineer. … Tura cool is unusually absent…2015 election Posters are all over the place)
‘Comraids, are you sure this man is ready for business, because I have another meeting with Raidical Broda, service to our people you know’
“Of course, he is ready; he cannot afford to play games at this time. He knows awa numerical strength”
‘’’ Abi, I hope he drops something sha, coz I have plans, Jik hall Copper jubilee anniversary is also coming up o, and we need all hands under the deck’’’
‘He gats drop something ni o, since Omooba Blackberry has cornered all other means o”
(At the Essay’s reception, various groups seeking support are seen all over. The doll-faced secretary readjusts her dress as the Squanderers’ union party enter. Mr. Engineer is inside discussing with one of the numerous groups)
“Titi, Titi, please as soon as the Comraids are here, let them in o, please tie o ni baje o, let them enter”
‘yessir, they are even here,’
“okay, let them enter
(Titi smiles seductively and gestures to the party)
‘Erm Uncle, Engineer says you should come in’
(Inside the spacious office of Engineer, the Comraids take their seat without being asked to do so)
“haa haa Coba, you guys didn’t even wait for me to say sit down”
‘haba Engineer, no be today now, a o kii n se alejo nibi now’
“okay, if you say so o. Erm Geede bawo ni nnkan, awon ara Jik nko, hope they are fine sha”
‘’‘yes Engineer, they are all fine, awa copper jubilee anniversary is coming up soon o, e jor e help wa’’’
‘’you see Geede, I can’t come to that rowdy hall of yours, I can help you sha, abi Lamzy ati Coba, kii le feel?”
‘haa, Engineer so Jik hall is rowdy, was it not rowdy when you came with Madam to pay me a visit at D Irumole quarters that December?’
‘’ well guys…where is Tura cool?’’
‘’’erm Engineer, he haf travelled o, o lo si Somalia’’’
‘Somalia ke? O ga fun bobo yii sha. Well, the meeting cannot hold until he comes back. E mu oti yin o, the Guffnor wants to see me’
(outside the Engineer’s office, the Comraids deliberate on the outcome of the meeting)
‘you see, sebi I asked you if this man is serious. O God…’
“Sly ni man yii sha, he haf spoiled my plans… haa Engineer, wherever you are, contunue ehn, God will see us”
‘’’okay comraids, if Tura cool comes, we will come back, we go dey see now, I have a meeting with Raidical Broda’’’
‘okay Oga mi, till then, let us concentrate on our S.U. Let us finalize on the candidates soon’
(Somewhere around the T.V room of Tender hall, two political enthusiasts; the type that pay ten naira to read at newspaper stands, re-exchange pleasantries. Also in the background, Nollywood allstars’ tune “Aye le” escapes from the T.V room)
“haa bros, you don come back? We no even jam for vendor side throughout the I.T period, abi na for Sambisa you do your own I.T?”
‘Chai, Newspaper ke, with all these results that they are shiaring, boss mi, it is not too late to be serious o’
“ Abi now, naso we see am o, since that book of life comot, the arc of UI political circle come straight somehow, you no hear say result go comot dem POS, Hiro and others from the race?”
‘Oga mi, the Jik9 issue sef dey, the whole thing is somehow o, there is God sha’
(Later that day, at the Spieses bar, some inner circle members of the second cabinet; The J-see-hi President, his fiipee, Comraid Trumpet, Tractor, NASELS worldwide…) exchange banters over tripled filtered bottles and plates of peppered less-prayerful fish. The gigantic speakers around echo P.square’s “chop my money, chop my money o”.
“Erm Tractor, hope you have gotten over your defeat at the Teachers’ Union presidential election? Pele s’o gbo, the gods will repay you, sorry ehn”
‘thanks bro, I have gotten over it, those teachers don’t know my worth…”
‘’’abio…(clears throat) ehm guys, who are our candidates? POS is not likely to contest again o, result ishh. Our fiipee choice Arrow is still intact sha, that yellow sisi cannot spoil our plans. Candle, Prispal, and others sef dey”
“those guys at Ife and their fine boy President have shown our people what true S.U could be like o, chai chai”
‘how far with ThoughT, make we follow am now’
“make we no go enter one chance o, dem Jik case dey dicey o”
“cope 14 nko?”
‘cope ko, Akope nii, im head dey like block’
‘Hunter nko, abi that Warrior guy abi Emeritus…”
‘’’Emeritus ko, Emeriti nii…you see, most of these guys are jokers, which S.U are we even talking about here, our own Squanderers’ Union or the Squatters’ Union?
‘Well, let us keep our fingers crossed, like Cay pello will say, time will tell…’
LIKE A MOLUE, STORIES JOURNEY, HAVING NO START POINT OR A PERMANENT BUS-STOP…THE NARRATIVES NEVER END!
READERS’ DISCRETION IS SEVERELY ADVISED!
