By: Wale Olaogun/NUESA Press
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, events, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental.
Journalist: Good day, sir. Can we know you?
Jimoh: My name is Ojo Jimoh, the true son of his father. I’m the one who sneezes and monarchs tremble, I’m the one who coughs and lions despair. I’m the first child of nine, the outcome of family’s deliberations, and the executor of thoughts.
Journalist: Mr Jimoh, what position are you aspiring for?
Jimoh: I think I should save you from the stress of addressing me as a “Mr”, of course, I deserve more than that, but for the sake of this sitting, you deserve some respect too, man. Just for today, you can simply call me “Capacity”.
Journalist: (Cuts in)… Oh, Capacity, what do you have for us, sir?
Jimoh: Well, I was about to say that. You don’t need to ask for the position I’m vying for, I suppose the mode of my dressing should tell you who I am. I mean, royalties do not dress like slaves. I’m aspiring for the post of President, let me say I’m the incoming President of this institute (laughs).
Journalist: Capacity, (in a sarcastic manner), in what capacities have you served before?
Jimoh: Cheap question! You see, I came prepared, but sadly, these questions are not worth my standard, but I’ll definitely respond to them. Ever since I was a child, my mother had always called me the head, not only because I was the first child, but because I possess some problem-solving and creative skills that distinguish me from my siblings.
As a child, my mother would tell me to look after my siblings while she was away. In politics, we call it delegation of power. I was basically performing the task meant for my mother because I was capable.
Aside from that, I have grown to become a responsible adult who has facilitated many solution-driven projects in my department, and even in the faculty. From the way I talk, you should know that I’m a philanthropist, but I don’t shout. Last session, I still paid the tuition fee of about 25 students in my faculty, in fact, the President wanted to instruct my faculty’s Editor-in-Chief to publish my name as the philanthropist of the year, I was even asked if I should be listed among the Rolls of Honour in my faculty, but I denied it.
Do you know what the Rolls of Honour mean? You definitely don’t because if you do, you would have exclaimed and probably adjusted the way you sit because you are talking to a big man, an achiever like myself deserves special recognition in the society. If I had allowed it, I would be listed among the Emeritus Professors who, like myself, have also contributed immensely to the growth of the school at large.
(While talking, he brings his phone out of his starched pocket, and hands it over to the journalist) See this picture, this was the noticeboard I donated to my department when they were suffering from a communication disorder. The President himself approached me, I asked him: What do you think I could do to help you? He said he knows what I’m capable of, and what could I have done than to help the President who is also a struggling student like many of his colleagues. I even gave him some pocket money to mend unstitched shoes.
Journalist: Mr Jimoh the philanthropist…
Jimoh: (Cuts in)… You can say that again.
Journalist: As a President, what are your plans for moving this institute forward?
Jimoh: (Adjusts his imported suit, and flaunts his gold necklace) If I had the luxury of time, I could count my plans one after the other and still won’t finalize them. The fact is that I’m a master planner, and I always find it difficult to discuss them because they seem inexhaustible. Nonetheless, I will open your eyes to some of them.
(Brings out the constitution and reads out directly from it) As the President, I’ll preside over the affairs of this institute. Everyone knows that it’s the function of the President to man the affairs of any organization, and that’s what I’ll be doing. I’ll show everyone that I am well-equipped with various leadership qualities.
Two (shakes his wrist and checks his Rolex watch), I shall delegate, when necessary, my duties to the Vice President. I don’t really like doing this because I don’t know how proactive my vice is going to be, well, he can’t be more capable than I am, but I just have to allow him to have a taste of the Babylonian lifestyle of a President, and that’s one thing about me, I’m very generous.
Three, …
Journalist: (Cuts in) Mr Jimoh, a philanthropist and master planner like yourself does not need to read directly from the constitution when you have numerous plans. Funnily enough, you haven’t said a single plan, you have only been emphasizing your constitutional duties. Now, what are your constitutional duties, and vividly explain your plans?
Jimoh: Hmm, three: (shamefully takes out the constitution again) I shall create committees (health, social, publicity) each with a head saddled with the responsibility of feeding me back on their projects and progress.
Journalist: Can you please say these things offhand? Ordinarily, you are not permitted to check through the constitution here.
Jimoh: Excuse me, sir. I have a mansion of plans in my head, and there’s no space left for the assimilation of my constitutional duties. Please, pardon me unless you anticipate an occurrence of an explosion in my head.
Journalist: Can you perhaps proceed with your plans?
Jimoh: (Brings out his camera and projects through the board) What can you see on the board? That’s the house my father bought in Atlanta, 1995. I’ve been meaning to replicate the structure, but there have been no chances. Just last week, I talked with the exact contractor that built this house, and he said the estimation is about $25 million. What’s the usefulness of this story? I’m planning to construct a lecture theatre of this standard and structure for my Faculty, a number of students complain bitterly about the pernicious state of the Faculty’s lecture rooms, and I feel their pain, only I who have been to the States understood what a proper lecture theatre should look like.
(Swipes the camera’s screen) Look at this car, Gallardo SE, Lamborghini V10 supercar. It was the latest in 2005 when my father bought it for one of his lecturers. If elected the President, I’ll buy the 2023 model of this car as an official car for the Subdean. As our consultant, she deserves more than that.
Journalist: Well done, Mr Jimoh. Your plans are great, but how do you intend to generate funds to execute these gigantic plans? Your father?
Jimoh: Oh, my father disowned me some years ago after I erroneously made a transaction from his account to mine. I ran away from home because I couldn’t transfer the money back to him. The moment I tried, the network kept failing. Ah, the Nigerian banking system is in shambles! Just so you know, he blocked my lines, and I now have to combat life’s struggles by myself. On how to sort the funds for my plans, (sweating profusely) I’ll look for sponsors. They will definitely come when they notice that I have numerous values to add to their organizations.
(The End).
