Notice! Notice!! Notice!!!
This is to notify residents of this fantabulous hall of residence that there will be a stakeholders meeting tomorrow. The stakeholders are individuals who fall into the following categories – class representatives who may not be accountable, floor representatives who are competent enough to be unaware of issues on their respective floor, past and present elective office holders in the hall and beyond, elders who may lack tangible or meaningful contributions to the hall. The venue of the meeting is the halls commoners’ room.
I welcome you all to today’s stakeholders meeting. The purpose of this meeting is not to discuss our toilet that are in glorious rot. Neither are we here to discuss challenges that residents of our hall are facing. We are not here to discuss the welfare of our halls residents. Those are not important, not at all!
As you all may have been aware, the father of intellectual unionism elections is around the corner. Our hall has to benefit from this election. How would we benefit? By having power! We need to be represented in government. We need to have a face in government. Not only a face, we need faces in government.
We need people that will fight for our interests. People that would not allow us to be marginalized. We have representatives in the Students’ Representatives Council, of course we do. Are they performing their duties? Fabulously well. Our honorables are honorable enough to participate inactively in legislative sittings. They are very efficient that they bless us with absence at legislative sittings.
To compliment the impressive works of our students representatives, we need to have someone in the executive seat irrespective of competence. What do we stand to gain from competence?
We have started this meeting for a while now and the privilege of light has not arrived. We are already deep into the night. The Brownies have not had the privilege in ages. At least ours is better.
Stakeholders from a hall across the road reached out to us. They also have a child that we shall work for alongside ours. We need their votes, they need ours. If we do a collabo, some overpopulated nuisance (yes, we are also overpopulated, but overpopulation get seniority) or some baby rascals will not steal or hijack our mandate.
We also need to know that we need to endorse someone that will give us the best chance of winning. We don’t need competent people in the father of intellectual unionism election. Who is competent amongst us? Is it Taju? The floor rep that couldn’t do anything to fix a bad bulb on his floor? Is it our Hall Chairperson? Person wey dey gba? Wey never do anything since dem hand over office to am. Is it our Hall’s Treasurer with questionable statements of account? Is it Solomon that embezzled his class’ money?
Also, as a note of warning, any one from this hall, especially the stakeholders that want competence from the other halls or whose personal interest is in the ring fighting for the belt against the Hall’s interest, such a person will be consumed with the diversity of stakes here.
A win for our child!
Is a win for our Hall!
• This satire is part of a special series on the dynamics of the 2025 Students’ Union Election by the Union of Campus Journalists under its Election Watch Room Initiative.
