A Satire—-
Dear Mr. Speaker Sir,
I might not be, by any acceptable standard,fit to advise you on political decisions, for my journalistically captured brain had been barred through certain oaths of political neutrality from weighing certain issues, but I feel I am opportune by a momentary revolt against these manacles of neutrality,which I consider a malady, to advise you on a dicey issue, which is of course your council’s (Squanderer’s Representative Council, Dummy Factory) recent decision on the uniform maximum dues collectible, #2,000. The decision was heard first-hand by few, but swiftly spread to all by political e-gossips. Subsequently, the usual gossiping breeze has blown again and unverifiable gists are being spread that the council’s decision has given many political opportunists incurable headaches and made them unforgivably angry with you.
To touch this issue without giving out certain invaluable details will be considered an un ambiguous intellectual hypocrisy, I must therefore inform you that over #130,000,000 of dues payers’ mooney (a total average of #10,000 per each squanderer multiplied by 13,000 under-domesticated squanderers) sinks in our unremedial mud-bath of toddling squanderers. This, Sir, is solely different from the millions more acquired out of begging and extorting National Yam-Eaters of hard earned tax payers’ money. Fortunately unfortunately or unfortunately fortunately we usually end up expending this huge amount on dinners (dinners that are sometimes scattered by animals in human skin), rallies (rallies that sometimes end with super-stinking urea baptism), or noise-makers (those people some sanity deprived minds call musicians, who end up pelting us with disturbing notes of curses, immorality and ignorance called music). And once again fortunately unfortunately or unfortunately fortunately we end up singing songs of lamentations to the deaf ears of our squanderers’ domestication administrators, concerning issues restraining effective productivity of squanderers. With over #130,000,000 every session we could provide a more effective and securedinternet provision compared to the dead man joke our squanderer’ administrators are currently providing.
To be candid, the issues revolving around maximum due collectible have always been a black comedy and would have always been sameif not for your timely unrequested intervention, an intervention which I think you feel we squandering victims of this clear daylight holdup would understand and eulogise. Hell No!
But, I am sorry sir; some if not most may fail to reason with you and as such may fail to see your effort. What if I say some legal squanderers would rather pay #2,500 and get an accursed book that seems to have passed all stages of uglification, than choose your yard of measuring dues?What if I say squanderers from Art Division, the mother of all Divisions in this first and the bestSquanderers’ Domestication Farm, decide that Uncle Emekus should fuel his father’s car with their dues? What ifthe followers ofAl-muBARA(kinglet of Education Division), are perfectly calm with his decision to become a ‘micro-finance bank’ by ‘carefully saving’ their money in his ‘safe’ pocket (lest you forget politicians’ pocketsseldom regurgitate stolen funds)? Or what if brother Teletoby (or is it chaabii-chaabii they call him) and his disciples of thieves use sacks meant for packing agricultural proceeds to cart away funds from Division of Agri and For?The list is endless with Oktopox of gentlemen’s squandering hall, subesube of great republic of independent squanderers and Jonatan of noble squanderers all featuring, therefore my questions which are endless like the deep pit of hell reserved for looting thieves must halt for another day’s laughter, yet all I intend to whisper aloud directly or indirectly into your keen ears is that the squanderers turned victims, that you are fighting for may not be prepared for this battle you are leading them to (they may be too busy chasing phone thieves to bother about bigger thieves pocketing their dues and swallowing funds sourced through our collective names). They just won’t seem to care, as long as #50 is not stolen from theirpocket;they readily humble themselves as slaves to destitute agbalowomeris (the accursed squandering indigents who forcefully take from other squandering indigents).
I want you to know that the amount they choose to pay, as fools, is the least madness that could be pointed out in this supposed fountain of knowledge, which unfortunately has become a Dummy Factory-cum-asylum-cum-Squanderers’ Domestication Farm. You must be aware of the trend of madness in this child’s play we call politics which was and still is the traditional begging of funds from ijekukujepoliticians-cum-almsgivers,which is usuallyto be given to those aforementioned noisemakers. I want you to also know that in even madder squanderers’ divisions, the funds are most times used to organize unreasonably expensive dinners (some spend only #800,000 on the venue of the dinner, whereas squanderers’ garri consumption ratio is detected to be uncontrollably rising every session). This suspense filled madness in squanderers’ blood was heightened last month when we were fortunate to witness the piss-makers and basejes’ (vandals) saga, which we were doubly fortunate wasn’t overshadowed by the catfight between two male squanderers’ halls which followed two weeks later (in other news I heard that some squanderers in the guilty squatter’s prison would be served numerous Squanderers’ Domestication committee’s Letter).
Joking apart and with great effort mincing my sarcasms, which might have lingered too long in preceding paragraphs of this mockumentary, I want to congratulate you on your own brand of self-inflicted sane insanity and I want you to know this might be a start in infusing the right insanity into this failed looking system to fight old insanity. It might be the right method for ensuring even the faintest transparency and a look alike of accountability from these squandering leaders who might be our rumored future leaders (another dead man’s joke). We should be mad towards these characters that over the years have grown with our dear Squanderers’ Union Funds, smearing it with outdated political antics and aimless projects. The least we can do is reduce the amount stolen for these frivolous projects and check this stark naked greed lurking in the pocket of a-Looters.I humbly advise you to push off any form of spiritual or mago-mago appeal aimed at altering your stand, I urge you to remember that history’s mouth will open someday to say its part on every man’s role.
Yours mumuishly,
Dan_Alo,
CC.
Valiant Commander (V.C Dummy Factory aka No. 1 Squanderers’ Administrator)
Dean of Squanderers
Dean of all Squanderers’ Division
Domestication warders of all squanderers’ hall
Loud Speaker (President Squanderer’s Union, Dummy Factory)
***Note: Any name of persons, animals, places, things or ideas conceived by guilty minds should be regarded as NOUNS, for this is only a fictitious nonfiction carefully crafted in an asylum of insanity.
