By- Adisa Habeeb, Kareem Shamsudeen & Wale Olaogun
Of the greatest UItes!!
Of the greatest Zikites!!(sorry zooites)
Of the greatest Katangites!! ( copy copy)
Of the greatest Idiates!!!( stop making noise)
Of the greatest Tedderites!!!( ajebutter razz)
Of the greatest Awoites!!!(female noise makers)
Of the greatest Kutites!!( Unmale hall)
Of the greatest Mellambites!!(lowbudget ajebutter)
Of the greatest Belloites!!!( See dem herders)
Of the greatest Queenites!!( hall of residence or car park)
I think enough has been said about how the Covid-19 Pandemic has restricted physical intimacy among students on campus. In fact, it has caused a thin line among friends who need to actually talk to keep on with their friendship. Even those who do lovey-dovey have no choice than to take their romance over to Whatsapp video calls.
Things have indeed changed. For me particularly, I had planned to make my final year romantically engaging, but then, it is what it is. I think those who have affected largely by these Covid-19 restrictions are the halls of residence. No shouts. No Aroism. No banters. If you walk to the halls of residence, especially the male class, which are known for vibrancy—except, of course Kuti, you’ll think you are in a cemetery. And staying at home and engaging in other financially improving ideas, residents are beginning to lose and possibly forget the traditions in their halls. But if all residents are no longer concerned with the pride of the halls they carry on their chest, Zik Hall, the Baluba Republic citizens will not. Well, one can’t say assuredly.
I don’t think there’s really a tradition to miss at Kuti Hall. This hall, sarcastically referred to as Hall 4 (in respect to the Female Halls), is known for its effeminacy. In fact, the residents are called ladies. That is the height of sarcasm in my opinion. This reason for this is because the residents are made or forced to strictly obey the rules and regulations in the hall to the farthest degree. Those who have girlfriends cannot bring them to the hall. There’s even no room for squatting. Although, there’s a myth that the hall is for the rich students, no wonder the best means of transport most residents have is bicycles. And it’s not even the tush bicycles, it’s the ones you will have to use all your strength to ride. So when other halls are doing greater gbagba, Kuti residents will keep mute, wanting to be like the audacious others, but…
Bello hall residents call themselves nobles, at least they are. They are good in public speaking and a few of the residents have brought glory to the hall. But how truly noble is Sultan Bello hall? It’s not about blowing whistles and dancing like a nomadic Fulanis during rallies, or is that it? There’s nothing really to miss about Bello Hall, if you’re a resident, except of course the camaraderie. But then, huge respect to this hall that produced Jude Idada, a leading playwright in Nigeria. And just as a friendly reminder, Sultan Bello Hall Press should be effective. Enough of the miscellaneous they write as important articles. Greatest Belloite!
Lord Tedder Hall, hmm. Aside from Klazz restaurant, there is nothing really classy about this hall. Residents are very sharp in public speaking, but is that all it takes? One thing a resident can enjoy is the camaraderie, especially with the football fans. I don’t think the residents have a particular tradition they uphold, except to shout at passer-bys at night when the power supply is cut off. An advice I would give them is that if you call yourself a Lord Tedderite, do not actually behave like a serf. Sho get?
Of the greatest Mellanbites! I’m thinking hard to get what’s really great about this hall. Somebody told me that what this hall could boast of is its septic tanks. Well, this hall is home to the gentlemen, no wonder thick ladies at Queens and Idia hall visit them. Mellanbites can only aspire to perspire, but they will surely expire if they try to be Aroistic.
Both Zik and Indy hall have things in common, but they can be summarised as noise-makers. Behind their noisemaking is great intellect, and an ability to force change. These halls are home to intellectual activism. And as for Awoites; they should miss their usual long walk to freedom. The name repels a short journey. We are constructing an airport for Awoites soon, just like the billion dollar Zik hall bridge.
There is one big-headed statue in that hall, if only the Hall chair lady will not lock the main gate by 9pm, we can take a selfie with it at night. Idia hall has a history of Big chair ladies always manning the affairs of the gate (only a Zikites can jump through the fence). Smiles. I think there is a love garden inside Idia hall but only Nigeria music celebrities are allowed access.
Awo Hall tradition is probably too loud, fe-male Zikites living in the forest, the giant standing hall of residence. The tradition of passing through the Zik river to Awo might be lost. The new students probably think the best route is Tech road ( for that road, it’s a story for another day). My regards to Awo LnD, the last time out at the Jaw War was awesome. One Awoite equal to five Queenites when it comes to Aluta, I envy their morale. Just like “when Zik hall sneezes…” when Awo catches cold Zik hall blows hot..”.
Queenites probably have traditions to miss, I heard they boast of having beautiful ladies, might be debatable or not. Here come the painter’s wives — the Queenites. Occupants of this hall are always forming the ‘posh’ type, such that if a guy calls them, they will first think to the right, to the left, stay where they are (like a zombie) before they answer; “Sorry, are you referring to me?”. Behold, all these “high-class”, “top-notch” girls were relegated to a painter’s room in this city of seven hills. But of course, there are many benefits of being a Queenite — that you may never need to perambulate the popular Bodija market is one. The hall has a Bodija-like market already built in it. The freshers of this hall probably do not know how to keep up the standard due to the interregnum. I have never heard a Queenites blow hot, quiet set of people.
Then, there is this one Hall in affiliation. Situated in the University College Hospital (UCH), for students who feel superior, even than Guru Maharaji, in “Lab-coats”. On a lighter note, this Hall is the first to ridicule UI_Jaw War — the largest debate in the West Africa — by solely eliminating itself from the competition after being disqualified in the first round. Maybe because they are Doctors, they felt there’s no need being Speakers.
Life on campus is actually interesting. So — for freshers — y’all have been alloted to several halls of residence and I think we have been able to take you through a journey of how your campus life would look like. Relax — till the second semester — when school resumes physically.
