Olajide Oladokun
Whoever said a-loo-ter is not forever is a comrade without knowledge and understanding. Or what do you have to say about the Grand A-loo-ter patron, Abacha, that still sends us credit alerts since 1998 – talmbout life after death. Well, I will let dead dogs lie while I focus on the current generation of a-loo-ter comrades.
Perhaps it is best we start by highlighting the dividends enjoyed by a-loo-ter comrades, maybe that will spur you to become one.
First, as a senior a-loo-ter comrade, you get to cruise around in a tinted, customized sleek car, one your father’s 35 years of meritorious service to the state could not afford him, unless he was also a subscriber to the a-loo-ter ideology. Should that be the case then a-loo-ter continua – you are your father’s son, after all, fruit does not fall far from the tree.
Secondly, you automatically have access to feminine Homo sapiens in large numbers. They all love to bam with the big boys, even if you are ‘broke, black, short and in animal science’, you don’t have to use charm – just be an a-loo-ter comrade – they will date you!
Finally, you get to sit at high tables at events. What an honour to sit with high ranking a-loo-ter comrades!
Amazingly, a-loo-ters don’t get paid, yet they have lots of funds to fund their luxurious lifestyles. They are like the presidential aspirant with no registered business to his name, yet controls bullion vans.
If by now you are interested in joining the league of senior a-loo-ters but don’t know how to go about it, then this is your last stop. Below are practical steps to becoming a high-ranking a-loo-ter comrade.
- Master the act of sugarcoating. You need to be able to brainwash your supporters with sweet words. You need their support to become a national comrade.
- Be fashionable. Even with your sweet mouth and beautiful speeches, you don’t want to go about looking like Shettima. Nay! Unless you also desire a dragging challenge on Twitter too.
- Mingle with comrades wey sabi. ‘Iron sharpens iron’, says the good book. To be a high-ranking comrade, you must follow who know road. That way you’ll be able to learn the ropes of a-loo-ter firsthand; there is more to a-loo-ter than meet the eye but no be my mouth you go hear am.
- Be a cheerful giver. When you eventually hit the a-loo-ter jackpot, don’t forget to grease the necessary hands.
- Finally, in all you do, DON’T GET CAUGHT!
Recently an a-loo-ter comrade was caught in possession of a white Mercedes Benz CLA-250 with a customized plate number worth a million, a gold neck chain and one ice neck chain worth N3.6million, bitcoin worth $58, 854.88USD, one Apple MacBook Pro 2020 Model and an iPhone 12 Pro Max and was sentenced to prison. According to the EFCC, our dear a-loo-ter comrade, benefited N195, 274, 331.00 (One Hundred and Ninety-Five Million, Two Hundred and Seventy Four Thousand, Three Hundred and Thirty-One Naira) as a cumulative heist from cyber-fraud involving forgery of over 25 US banks cheques, in just one year.
No doubt, all power belonged to this comrade until he was caught. Interestingly, a-loo-ter president, Captain Asphon, said the arrested comrade was never a comrade. That is what happens when a comrade gets caught. NEVER GET CAUGHT!!!
There you go. Five basic tips to become a high profile a-loo-ter comrade. Remember that the last one is most important – NEVER GET CAUGHT. Else your fellow comrades will deny ever knowing you; but on the positive side, you’ll get a free apartment in a correctional centre. Trust me, it’s not totally an incorrect place to be.
Sings: ‘consultation, consolidation, ka to le won lere, a-loo-ter meta lemi o shey…’
