By Hazel
The look in his eyes would forever be in my head, captured and framed, sitting at the center of my mind. I’ll call it the look of finality. It was like he knew he was going away. You could see it all. The pain, regret and hopelessness. His lips were turned up but his eyes weren’t smiling. He was there and at the same time, he wasn’t there.
Nothing prepared me for that moment. He knew we couldn’t save him, he knew nothing could. He was just there, slipping away. It was beyond his control, beyond our control. And I just stood there, Busola by my side and Doctor Jerry on the other side of the bed. We just stood watching him take his last breaths.
I was going to call his wife, I wanted to. I wanted her to know her husband was on the fence between life and death and I wanted her to witness his last moments just like we were doing. I mean, if anybody should have been there, it should have been her.
But I couldn’t move. I just stood there, watching the life leave the man who was only six years older than me. He was so young, so vibrant. You should have seen him before the attack. He used to jog every morning and I’d see him on my way back from the bakery. Yes, I love fresh bread. I couldn’t go a day without eating it… Wait, I just realized I’ve not eaten bread since he died. Funny, right?
Food doesn’t even mean anything to me anymore. Tell me, what is the point of staying healthy when you could die any time? You could be the healthiest person in the world and just not wake up from sleep. So why do I need to eat good food or exercise or go to the spa or do any of that stuff when I can drop dead any moment?
My mum doesn’t understand me right now. She thinks I’m going crazy… Well, I might as well be going crazy because one thing’s for sure- I’m losing my mind. But the thing with my mum is that she thinks I’m being overdramatic. She calls me and she’s like, “You don’t even know the guy!” She really doesn’t understand. No one actually understands.
His wife called the other day and asked why I quit working at the hospital. This is what she said to me, “Even I have moved on, Vic. It wasn’t your fault he died, there’s nothing you could have done. I’m sure he won’t be happy to know you gave up your job because of him.”
Well, I didn’t give up my job. I gave up my career. There’s no way I’m going to watch another human die.
I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, I know, but I guess I’ve never really thought about being a doctor. I’ve never really thought about losing a patient, about people dying. It just never crossed my mind that there are people I won’t be able to save or that there will be times when people’s lives will solely depend on me or people will depend on me to save their loved ones. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?
It’s not my choice! I can’t save anybody! If you’re going to die, you’re going to die. So tell me, what’s the whole point? When people fall sick, I feel they should just be left alone. If they’re supposed to die, they’ll die. If they’re going to live, they’ll live. There’s no need to take them to the hospital. Do you know why? Because doctors are just doctors. They are human, they are powerless, they have no control over life or death, they are not gods.
I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to save lives. That’s what everyone says, right? But you see, I can’t save lives, I can’t even save one life. I couldn’t save his life and he wasn’t even sick. Isn’t that funny to you? It’s definitely funny to me. This man was thirty two and he had a heart attack. He was young, he was healthy and he was fit. So how did that happen?
You know what I think? I think it’s a trap. I think that life’s a trap. We’re born one day to die another day. That was the plan of whoever created us; to drop us off and pick us up at anytime. And sadly, we don’t know who’s going next. I could just die now, as I’m speaking to you. You know that happens, right? People die on the spot, without having a chance to think about anything.
He was lucky in that aspect. He had time. Just a few minutes, but it was enough time. You could tell from his eyes that he had enough time. He had time to reflect on the short life he lived. Imagine having a few minutes to recap your whole life. What would your earliest memory be? My earliest memory has to be my fourth birthday party. I remember that because my parents got me this toy stethoscope. It was from then they began to call me, Vicky the Doctor. Maybe I have earlier memories but that one stands out. It’s the kind of memory that’ll come up if I have to recap my whole life in a few minutes.
You’ve probably heard something like, “her life flashed before her eyes”, right? That fourth birthday party will definitely be among the memories to flash before my eyes. It’s the reason I’m here. It’s the reason I chose the sciences in secondary school. It’s the reason I studied Medicine. It’s the reason I went to medical school. It’s the reason I was interning for Doctor Jerry. It’s the reason I watched a man die. Of course, I’ll remember my mum and dad gifting me with a toy stethoscope in my dying minute.
When my grandma died, I didn’t think too much about it, neither did I when our neighbour and Feyi’s sister died. But I’ve been thinking about it since that night. Do you believe in heaven and hell? Do you believe that a person has to go to one of these two places when they die? I can’t stop thinking about where he is now. Okay, I know his body is in the mortuary. But his spirit, where did it go? After that moment that he died, that moment that he breathed his last, where did his soul go? Did it immediately travel to heaven? Or hell? Or do you think it’s wandering? Maybe he’s in his house with his wife? Or maybe he’s here laughing at my ridiculousness?
It’s driving me crazy. I can’t get it out of my mind no matter how hard I try. I wish I wasn’t there. I wish I had followed the nurse out. She had just gone to get something, I can’t remember what. If I had gone out, I wouldn’t have watched him die. I wouldn’t be here now. I’d probably be at work now with Busola. Our internship would be up in a few months and we’d be full-time doctors soon.
But what if I hadn’t witnessed his death and I had gone on to become a doctor, only to have a patient die in my hands. I’d still lose it then, I’d drive me insane. I wasn’t even in charge of him and it’s affecting me this much. Imagine if he was my patient, like my actual patient, and I had lost him. I think I’d have been mad by now.
Wait, you’re a doctor. Tell me, what will you do if your patient dies? I know you’re a therapist and it’s not really the same thing. But tell me still, what will you do if your patient dies? If by tomorrow, you hear that I killed myself, what will you do? It means you failed at your job, it’s the same thing as my patient dying, you know.
But then again, like I said before. It’s not going to be your fault! Because you have no control over it. If it’s my time to die, I’m going to die. So if I die tomorrow, it’s not because of you. It’s because I’m supposed to die. This means that it’s not my fault that he died. He would have died anyways. So I really don’t have to blame myself.
I know my mum paid you to do this because she wants me to go back to work. She thinks this is just a phase and you’re going to help me get through it. You look like a professional, I even googled you. You’re doing a great job. But the thing is I’m not going back to being a doctor. There’s no point to it. I can’t watch another person die. I can’t pretend that I can save lives or that I’m a super hero when I’m not. So no matter how long this takes or how much my mum pays you, I’m not going back. I just think it’s important to let you know that before you begin.
