–By: Olayiwola Faith Adedolapo
I know it has been a long time since I wrote you last. I am not sorry; instead I feel pity about my past, present and future. Life has been as unfair as many would say but it is we humans who make it so boring, vague and dutiful. We have dreams and hopes but smile waiting for its fulfillment until…..
Ken is dead. He died of shock. We were as shocked as he was but we did not follow him. Till now I believe it is because our hearts are not tender and fragile. They are solid, robust and strong; they could withstand all things because they were created by love. Ken is dead and he died due to shock but no one told me how shock killed him and why. But I hear mama murmur. She would say: ‘I told him he would kill himself; he’s a fool. My husband is a fool!’ she would then burst into tears. Irritating tears.
Everything was not the same the day papa and mama had a fight and mama reported papa to his best friend. Pa Clement had been papa’s best friend for over twenty years as they said. They talked about everything; school days, past crushes, work, business, church and the girls. But the latter was irregular. He was strange. He had a very peaceful home, a wife, and two children: boy and a girl plus a dog. I sometimes wondered if the wife never suspected her husband as unfaithful or she never cared if he was or if she was that dumb. Papa and pa Clement would discuss about all the sexy and crazy girls in the ‘new world’ as they would say to mama’s disguise. The day papa called mama a morosoph and added that she dressed like a pepper seller, I told him: ‘your wife is what you make her. If you want her to be what you desire her to be, then you buy her the things that would make her so’. That day, I learnt to keep quiet anytime elders are discussing in the hardest way. In the next two hours, mama was massaging my swollen legs and strangled neck. The day Joke, my immediate younger sister and I discussed Hitler and his mode of speaking, she said ‘Hitler talked like father or should I say father talks like him’. Then we all laughed. Little did we know that papa was behind the room door and father knew who Hitler was. It was a Friday and papa made sure the sun did not feel our presence until Monday.
And when the girls became so vivid, life became unbearable. Papa refused to perform most of his duties to us and especially to mama. Mama began to look old, weak and fragile. She sold household immediate provisions in front of the house. We could not depend on it. We knew it. Papa knew it. Still, we could not figure out why he did so to us. One night, one of papa’s mistresses came to mama’s stall to inform her that she was pregnant and mama should prepare for her arrival. Mama had told her in the gentlest way she could that it would never happen as the house belongs to all of us; papa, mama and the girls. The woman shouted at mama and advised ‘you had better be wise and stop being a fool for a man who loves you no more. Unfaithfulness is as real as hell!’ When papa came home mama told him what had happened. Papa asked her if she understood what had happened; he said mama called him a fool and insensitive man. I wonder where that emerged from. Papa refused to eat.
He stormed out of the house angrily and refused to return home. Mama in her quest for peace visited pa Clement and asked him to plead with papa. We did not know what conspired between papa and pa Clement but papa came home three days after. Before papa left, there had been no food in the house. We had all eaten garri after thanking mama for the meal she could afford. Papa came home and requested for his meal; we all expected her to tell him that there was no food in the house. Instead, she went inside and bought him a bowl of already soaked garri. Papa got furious and threw her out of the house after flogging her with his hard black belt.
Three months ago, papa’s concubine, aunty Chioma bought a new car; one white Lexus jeep. Mama’s friend had told her but she would not believe. She had told her that papa could not afford a bicycle for himself so how would he afford a car for someone else. Mama’s friend had said, ‘he cannot afford it! He cannot afford it abi? But even when he could not take care of his family of eight, he still went ahead to get for himself concubines. Stella! Be wise. Be wise oh!’
My sisters and I moved to the dirty and lucid backyard to discuss what we heard. Joke was mad at papa. She had said, ‘when I grow up and become a doctor, I would take mama away from here. I will never take care of papa’. Adunni smirked and said, ‘you cannot take care of papa alone, you know mama cannot do anything without informing papa. It is either you take care of the both of them or none of them’. Joke’s face looked saddened. No one spoke to anyone. We looked through the air to the cloud and the sky. We saw disappointment. The sky was disappointed with us, our pains and our hopes. It wished we could be better, hope better and live better.
‘I wish he dies!’ Tina burst out. Tina, our little sister. We had not expected that. But she said it; she said what we were scared to say and fought really hard to secure our hearts from evil thoughts.
‘What did you say Tina?’ Blessing, our elder sister asked. ‘Do you understand what you just said? Do you know what would happen to you if you have no father? Your friends would refuse to talk to you. They would run away from you and tell you your mother is a witch. They would say that your mother killed and ate your father because she was angry at him and she would soon eat her children and their friends as well. And you will grow old all by yourself. Is that what you want?’ Blessing asked with her hands slightly placed on Tina’s head.
At this point, Tina was in tears, ‘it is better to have a dead father than an irresponsible father. Most of my friends no longer talk to me. Joseph called me a prostitute in class yesterday. He said his father told him that children from bad homes become bad children and evil communication corrupts good manners. If I have no father, would anyone say so? It is not like he takes care of us; mama does everything. Everything!’
At this point, we felt her pains and saw why Tina was gentle; withdrawn. We never noticed; never thought of it.
Earlier this year, the heavy rain that fell in February flooded our house and washed away most of our properties including mama’s wares. We had almost nothing; nothing to eat, few to wear. Our house looked washed, clean and new; like we did some kind of refurbishing. Pa Clement was very supportive during this period. Even though we asked for nothing, his wife would bring us rice, garri, ground pepper and kerosene. Sometimes, she brought yam, fish and noodles. We lived from hand to mouth and depended mostly on what our neighbours could offer us. Mama got a job at the new site along my school. That became one of the most embarrassing moment of my live. Mama, my immediate younger sister and I would leave home very early in the morning and we had to greet her on our way back home. Many of my schoolmates knew my mother and would always grin anytime I greet her. Sometimes, I hear them talk. They would express their displeasure and wonder why they always walked with me; a common bricklayer’s daughter! I felt bad but I never replied; never complained.
The second Monday in March, mama felt feverish and decided to stay at home still midday. I and my sister secretly thank God. We would not hear our friends grin that day. It gave us great joy. Do not get me wrong. Mama had done us a great deal of good and we appreciate her for it but she could have at least looked for a job elsewhere. We drank Garri that morning as we had done the night before. Garri became our saviour from hunger and depression. But now it was so little that we drank it hurriedly and left for school. By the time we got to school, we felt like we had eaten nothing. The trek was long and tiring but that was not the pain it caused. The worms in our stomach fought and our inner being bleed in return. We were at war with nature, I thought.
The assembly was extended. A few missionaries came to our school to admonish us on the love of God. I was so tired that I heard my stomach sounded. At first, I thought I was the only one that heard it sound until I saw everyone stare at me. Embarrassed, I faced the ground and prayed the assembly ended soon. On our way back to class, Steve, Pa Clement’s son stopped me and gave me nylon. I opened it and saw a plate of food which I hurriedly returned. ‘Thanks’, I said, ‘I am not hungry’. He smiled and said, ‘I never said you were’. By then I was practically running towards the classroom. The class was boring and long. Coupled with hunger, I desired to sleep.
Lunch hour came; the most perfect time for rest. I laid my head on the desk. Then I saw myself in a very big hall with a lot of food. I beckoned on mama and my sisters to come and we began to eat. We did not cry and we did talk. We only smiled at one another. We looked strong and satisfied except for our tattered clothes. I did not see papa and we did not call him. We did not speak of him but we looked satisfied; satisfied without him; free from intimidation and hunger and tears. The hall was fully covered, painted, roof and doors. We felt secured. I looked round for pa Clement and his wife and Steve and Jane……
Sister Deborah! Sister Deborah!
I felt a little hand shake me and woke up suddenly to see Joke. Joke. What happened?
You were sleeping.
Yes I am tired…
And hungry
No I am….
Yes, you are hungry just as I am very hungry.
Fine! I am tired and hungry but I am more tired than I am hungry. What is that with you? I pointed at the nylon she held.
I was very hungry and could not play with my friends so I sat under the mango. Steve saw me there and gave me this.
The nylon was exactly the one he gave me in the morning. Return it back.
But Sister Deborah….
Now! Return it now!
I will not! Anytime Steve gives us something, you always return it but if it were his younger sister, you would receive it with joy oh. Everyone in school says you are crushing on Steve. See, this is food and I am hungry; and I am going to eat it.
My sister opened the plate: white rice with green vegetables, carrot, pawpaw, sweet corn, green peas…..my stomach sounded again.
You had better take the other spoon before I finish the food
I said nothing; held the other spoon hard enough to prevent it from falling off my shaky hand. The break would soon be over so we ate hurriedly in silence.
As we approached mama’s place of work in the afternoon, I focused my gaze on the ground. I did not want her to see me. At first, I prayed for Joke to do the same but then, I could not find her. I walked faster leaving my friends behind only to find her few meters away from where mama’s workplace was.
‘What is your problem? I have been searching for you!’ I shouted at her.
‘Shhhh,’ she said silently, ‘I did not want mama to see me. That’s all.’
And then I realized that I have always been the only one that greets mama. My other sisters do not claim to have done so.
Our house became hellish for me when mama came home.
‘You bastard! I feed you, cloth you and even ensure that you go to school. But when you are in public, you refuse to identify me as your mother. Deborah; your mother!’
‘Mama! I told you already. I was looking for Joke.’
‘Cut the crap you liar! I saw you and your sister as you approached the site. At first, you looked away and when you saw me approaching, you ran off. It is not your fault. It is because I have sacrificed so much for you to disrespect me. If I had left all of you to fend for yourselves, would I look like this?’ My mum began to cry. I felt horrible deep within. ‘You embarrassed me. Everyone asked if it was you who ran off like that. I could not say anything. Even Steve, pa Clément’s son met me and prostrated. But my own daughter; my very own daughter is ashamed of me.’
At that point, I no longer felt guilty of mama’s pain. If only Steve had minded his business, mama would not have been that angry. ‘Olofofo!’ I spat.
‘Give me a son! You refuse but six girls. Six daughters oh! Who will bear my name? Tell me! Who will continue my lineage? Stella! I should have known that you cannot give birth to a son since it took your mother fifteen years to give birth to you and your sister. Tpa!’ he spat. ‘See, you this woman! I am tired of all your behaviour. They are irritating and uncalled for…’
‘They are irritating and uncalled for,’ mama murmured.
‘What did you just say?’ Papa shouted
Mama laughed and laughed and she went inside. We thought mama was not normal. Her face lit and looked smoky; at the same time. I hurriedly followed her and stopped quickly to avoid bumping into her.
‘Mama! Let us leave. Let us leave papa for somewhere better; somewhere we would no longer feel pain and hurt, I shouted so that papa would hear and feel how pained we were; how weak.’
‘No, my dear. We would not leave. I and your father laboured for many years to build this house no matter how wretched, you and your sisters. Do you think I will leave everything for nothing? Do you think I will leave everything for a strange woman? Tpa,’ she spat. ‘No way! We might be weak and fragile but that makes us no fool. Deep inside us; we are strong; we are bold. Deborah! We will stay in this house; all of you and I. We will fight and survive because we are strong. Because we are bold. And we will come out strong. Stronger than we are now. But till then we will remain here!’
I looked around and see my sisters; Tina; she looked lost like one in a trace.
‘No,’ I screamed
But it did not mean I was angry or weak. I meant I was tired of the past and ready to run; run past the pathways I should have passed a long time ago; farther into the silver past. Fast. Strong. Bold. Focused. And then, I would come out strong; stronger than before.
So Ken, papa is dead and we are running.
