“Let us face it, distinguished colleagues, we now live on campus like conquered people: conquered, that is, by decay and decadence” – Niyi Osundare
“I have come to the conclusion that the problem is not the fact that we have problems; the real problem is that many of us are not even aware that we have problems, and the few who are, are seeking sanctuary in hazy sloganeering and disingenuous avowal of allegiance.”– Niyi Osundare
A SATIRE—-
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE, DEAD, HALF-DEAD OR ALIVE, IS A MIRACLE. ALL INCIDENTS, YESTERDAY, THIS MORNING AND TOMORROW ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL, AND PERHAPS, A PROPHETIC COINCIDENCE!
On the road to the Baluba village…
(Wayo and Wawa are walking down to the Baluba village to eat from their refectory since all other refectories in the Union don’t open on Sundays.)
“Chai, the Kain hunger wey wake person up today na like that one wey force Biafrans to surrender in the 1970 o. And if that kain hunger catch Nnamdi Kanu or wetin dem dey call am, im go forget the B in Biafra”
“That’s much better at least compared to the kind of hunger that made Esau sold his birthright and that of his entire generation.”
“Omo, that kain porridge must have been prepared by angels ooo”
“And probably seasoned by the devil himself, after all, there is a touch of good and bad in everything.”
“Na you sabi, the thing wey even dey mind now na how to study for my next paper. I get paper tomorrow and I never even sabi the colour of the book”
“You are on your own Wawa; I have a load of assignments I am yet to submit myself.”
“We go dey alright guy…I even hear say Baluba don get a new Chief now”
“Yes, at least we will all be relieved by the arrogance and fierceness of Emperor Fire, who almost set the whole land on fire.”
“Na so, that na if the new Chief no be greater psycho…Coz I hear say im name na Gas, make he no wet us kon put fire ooo.”
“Well, just as my brother, Cay Pello will always say, “only time will tell”, it’s too early to start making opinions, let’s just keep our fingers crossed.”
“Food at last…”
(They get to the refectory. The refectory is divided into two, one side has people sitting in groups eating and buying from the vendor; on the other side is a group of people worshipping and playing musical instruments. Wayo and Wawa proceed to join the queue to buy food from the vendor.)
“(speaking in a loud voice because of the noise coming from the other side) Hey, see that guy’s food…the way some people dey chop ehn, na like say dem dey chop dem last supper…”
“(Both snigger) No wonder America and others will not stop to ship aids to Africa, poor one African child. Hey, Mr. man! You met us here…it’s our turn” (They both order their food and proceed to sit and eat)
“(Calls out to a guy) Number 1 baba, how your side? (To Wawa) Na dt guy dey give Tura Cool sleepless night. (Wawa looks confused) Oh, don’t worry, you no fit understand, I go gist you later.”
“Wayo, see your life outside, I thought you were just abusing that guy… take a look at your plate; fried rice, jollof rice, beans, dodo, spaghetti, moi moi, fish, meat and egg! Now, tell me, who deserves the poor one African child TAG?”
“Una no know say during exams like this, oyinbo man say we dey burn more calories and so we need to suppose chao more so we go comprehend better…”
“I see…Oh gosh! (Drops spoon)”
“Wetin be that, na stone?”
“(In an angry voice) The noise!”
“(Hisses) Una just dey notice am? Una no know since say people dey blast and blare drums and trumpets for there since?”
“No! But this is insane…since when has the refectory turn to a shrine?”
“Hey, hey, no dey dey blasphemous…people wey dey there dey worship God ni o and by the way, na like this, the thing don be tey tey”
“But for Pete’s sake, it’s exam period! The situation is the same in the Emirate, in the Colonial Quarters, in the Airport, in the Village Square, in the Core GRA, in the ….”
“Eh, eh…na where you dey get am wrong be that. Even, I fit say gban gban say you be one of dem people wey dey destroy the system. No be just for exam period. Una no suppose dey give room for exception or allowance. Once we don gree gbagada say something wrong, make we gree say e dey wrong, no matter when or where…”
“That’s even true. I thought it was declared at the village square five years ago that religious activities remain banned in lecture halls, residential halls, buses, cafeteria, common rooms and other places outside the Churches and Mosques?”
“I think say, I see one official statement like that too dated 4 years ago, wey dem talk say no religious activities suppose dey hold at all for classrooms, lecture theatres and CENTRAL CAFETARIAS. I don tire, so why always Baluba, because, na so like this the thing don be since I was born o”
“And the people here call themselves lions, I wonder how they just seem to pretend that the shrine is not existent for all this while. And if you see them on the battlefield fighting the amazons of Benin, you would think they are in charge of their balls and here is a problem sitting on their scrotum and all they’ve done is to pretend not to see it as a problem. Bunch of ball-less fellows…”
“abegi, make una leave the Balubans, na everybody be the culprit for here. Na so all dem EmptyHen, Tiamond Treasury, Catbell, and others with their various Owanbe Parties, wedding and all go dey disturb our peace for the village square with their loudspeakers and useless jingles. Beht, Wawa, make una assume say Alariwo (Olori-Odo) and his band of jokers don go on a spree of enjoying the luxury wey dey sempe for their office, wetin kon happen to the Ivory Elders who dey make law but wey no fit enforce?”
“Hmmm…You see, the Ivory Elders have been locked up in what my virtual teacher, Prof. Pius Adesanmi calls “an existential prison”, an elite disconnect, “a medical condition where their world has been reduced to a bubble. A bubble of perception. An existential bubble.” Since these noises don’t filter through their air-conditioned cars, offices and private quarters, they don’t care about us. To them, what is necessary is just to make the laws; it is the business of the laws to enforce themselves.”
“Anyway, na good news be say a new Valiant Commander don assume power, make una dey hope say things go dey different.”
“I pray the new Valiant Commander is worth the V in valiant. Anyway, just like your brother Cay Pello will say…”
“(Both chorus) Only time will tell…”
“That reminds me, I was walking past the Village Square some few days ago when Atiba, Kanyinsola, Seyi, Toba, Kunle and others were speaking about the stolen value from the land. They were all lamenting from different angles and desperately calling for its restoration. However, it’s just strange that our value has not been stolen at all; in fact, our value is still much with us, closer to us than our jugular veins. No one has stolen our values, we have simply ignored them. Our perceived stolen values are those little things we don’t see as problems; the little things we don’t pay attention to. Our perceived stolen values are every responsibility we have left undone. Our perceived stolen values are all the laws we created for ourselves and that we have refused to obey and enforce. Our perceived stolen values are the oceans of impunity we have gotten ourselves immersed in. Our perceived stolen values are our silences where we thought our words were useless. No one stole our values; we have simply misplaced them in our priorities. Now, the question is, how do we redeem this value? Value is not like a smoke that goes upward and disappears, it’s like a waterfall that falls downward and makes impact. How do you want to redeem this value without the Ivory Elders’ consent? How do you redeem it when Alariwo and his band of jokers do not know the reason why we voted them to be at the Village Square? When they have no clear-cut agenda they follow. When the luxuries of the Village Square have derailed their sail and they’re now heading towards the superficial shores. When they don’t see the stinking pit at the Village Square as a point of concern, when they don’t even regard those things you see as problems as problems, then redemption may just be… may just be…”
“Ngbam….nice speech, una don try…why you no kon participate in the Talk Wars. (Both laugh) Beht, make we dey serious, na true you dey talk. Na our I-don-kia attitude for little things like this dey kill us. On top Alariwo matter and his band of jokers, wetin dey do those guys sef? Shey dem no know sey na to dey see to things like this, na why we vote dem in, shey if na to say we want dummies to decorate offices, we no know sey mannequin dey for Dugbe?”
“(Both laugh) Are you done? Please, the forest of books is calling; I must finish those 8 GLA 304 topics before tomorrow OOO”
“Hmm! La cram la pour again?”
“What do I care, as far as my 7 point is sure.”
(They stand up to leave as some students in the refectory are now dancing to the music coming from the other side.)
LIKE AN ITINERANT PREACHER, STORIES JOURNEY, HAVING NO START POINT OR A PERMANENT BUS-STOP. THIS IS NEITHER THE BEGINNIG NOR THE END OF THIS STORY!
READERS’ DISCRETION IS SEVERELY ADVISED!
“Our University can no longer guarantee that necessary peace of mind for the students in his/her hall, the researcher in the library, the scientist in the laboratory, the philosopher under the tree…Add to this epidemic of noise and nonsense the loud crusades of evangelical groups…Time there was on this campus when religion was a decent, personal, quiet communion between the worshipper and his/her God. In our present state of anomie, it has become the strident ostentation of pious vulgarity… lack of consideration for the secular, ecumenical serenity of a University atmosphere.” – Niyi Osundare, The Universe in the University: A scholar-Poet’s Look from Inside Out – Valedictory Lecture, University of Ibadan, July 26, 2005.
