Satire: Women In Engineering Invent Tool For Measuring Wife Material

Oni Barakat

Just yesterday, the Women In Engineering of the University of Equality patented an astounding invention, a measuring tool for measuring all preferences in a wife material named Her Gauge 3000.

According to Professor Agbeobiringa of the University, they had worked on “Her Gauge 3000” for just three years and perfected it. She reported, “The Idea came to life when one day, my students and I digressed while discussing the pulse oximeter, to how finding a way to measure what a man wants in his wife, would be a solution to almost, if not all life problems, but then one of my students jokingly said “Why not invent a way” I saw how a light sparked in all the students present that day. I vividly remember replying after a pregnant silence, “Why not?”  and took action forming a team, conducting research, and controlling experiments, from there on, one thing led to another and here we are today”.

When inquired on the way Her Gauge 3000 functioned or what it could do Professor Agbeobiringa simply chuckled “Everything! It has inbuilt settings to measure a woman’s endurance, cooking prowess, and cleaning ability” all measurements for a woman perfect for the kitchen, measuring her health which includes but is not limited to blood pressure, mental sanity, sugar level, it has been programmed to measure intelligence, submissiveness, and creativity, but even more importantly” she waved her hand in a come hither motion which this reporter swiftly did, bringing an ear very close to her mouth. “It can even measure a woman’s body count, suffice to say we can measure the length, breadth, depth, and width of a housewife material” she finished smirking like she was confident of the weight of her words. To say that this reporter’s eyes blew to saucers at the implication of her words, is a gross understatement. Her Gauge 3000 was the best thing since the hymen, Sorry God

There has no doubt, been growing concerns amongst the students of the University of Equality, one final year student of the Faculty of Feminism and Universalism, Department of Feminism, who preferred to stay anonymous commented “This is a gross injustice to all the women of the world, to have their very existence measured and turned into numbers and to give men a surefire way to escape a possible life of misery, it is against the very ideas of feminism and the women who created this thing should feel only shame and no honour”.

This view, when brought to Professor Agbeobiringa incited a small frown from her, stating that while all things existing on this earth had their hazards and benefits, Her Gauge 3000 had more benefits than hazards, she explained, “Contrary to popular opinion, this machine is more beneficial to women than it is to men, because women who are interested in marriage may now measure the extent of their wife materialism, and therefore understand what part of them they need to work more on, added to that is the understanding that occurs between man and wife before marriage, a man is knowing of what he is getting and therefore cannot back out of the marriage for any behaviours he discovers he dislikes later in marriage, it may even be used as proof in a court of law for whatever grounds a woman might want, the benefits of Her Gauge 3000 are endless, women only have to see beyond their metaphorical smokescreen”

When Further asked, how females could use such a complex machine that should duly be available to only medical practitioners, Professor Agbeobiringa sneered, “Nonsense! It is a simple-to-use machine and it comes with a manual for dummies that simplifies it for even the uneducated, if the ordinary people cannot use it, what then is its use?”

Another student, Mr. Okurin Meta of the Department of Alpha Male Sciences said “All this is bullshit, I do not care for Wife Material Gauges or Body count counters, I shall resort to the methods that have been used since the concept of marriage and submissiveness came into this blessed patriarchal world, by throwing every prospective wife to the wolves who are of course the women of the family or obirin ebi, they will promptly measure and shake her down and show her what it means to be a wife.”

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