The Trials of Sabo and the Unaccountable Kobo

bus

A SATIRE—-

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANYONE DEAD OR ALIVE IS A MIRACLE. ALL INCIDENTS, YESTERDAY, TODAY AND TOMORROW ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL, AND PERHAPS, A PROPHETIC COINCIDENCE!

PRELUDE

[Soft tune of Sabali by Nas and Damian Marley playing in the background]

Sabali, Sabali, Sabali, yonkonte

Sabali,, Sabali, Sabali kiye

Ni kera mogo

 

Hun we born not knowing, are we born knowing all?

We growing wiser, are we just growing tall

The Earth was flat if you went too far you would fall off

Now the earth is round if the shape change again everybody woulda start laugh…

 

[The voice of a random squatter] What exactly is wrong with us? Are we under a spell or something? You occupy a leadership position as a young man and the next thing you do is to pawn away your future for the orgasmic comestibles it offers you. You sacrifice your dignity and integrity on the altar of greediness. You are enthusiastic to gather the roses of leadership but very reluctant to give a second look for the thorns. Wait; are you high on some holy weed? God, why do we keep retelling this horrendous story for ourselves? Why do we keep reminding ourselves of those horrific scenes we thought we had censored from the cinema of our reality? Are we really getting better or just getting better at preserving our decadence? We must not keep going like this, because this is an express road to collective perdition. If we keep going like this then I’d confidently tell you the future in T.B Joshua’s voice, “I see…I see us following the American dream. I see a day when we will gladly vote for Haruna and Imade of blessed memories instead of some omo oju o r’olari…praise the Lord.” You heard that right, we will vote for two Gorillas, not living ooo, two dead gorillas and six other squatters to lead us in the brown house, after all, the dead gorillas will serve some aesthetic purpose than these clueless beasts of no identity. Wallahi tallahi, Sabo is a bastard.

STORY 1

[Somewhere in the Squatters’ Affairs Division]

“Daddy, Daddy… we your children have come again oooo”

“ki lo tun de, what is it again, this one that you are laughing, I hope it’s not money sha, the factory is broke ooo”

“Hahaha, you are our father na, we are your squanderers, you can’t tell us there is no Money. If you don’t give us money, are you expecting us to start begging at sabo ni?”

“Nigbana nko, is Sabo not your name” (both breaks into uncontrollable laughter)”By the way, what did you need money for this time?”

“It’s for our Squanderers’ Convention o, it’s coming up later this month in Ajuba. For your information sir, one of the Master Squatters will be contesting for a very important position and we need to give him all the support we can get”

“Ehn, why are you now coming to me, you people have your own account, no be so?”

“Yes, but you know it can’t be enough now, see, we will do Squatters’ Week, We will give the Noise Makers some money to keep them quiet and we will organise funeral party to our old comrades, before we do all this owo ti tan o…the money has gone…”

“But you told us you want to be independent, is this how to be independent?”

“Baba Egbere, forget all that jare, it is pure bobo, we can never be independent o, where would we put your fatherly wisdom? Please, let us continue to be dependent on you. We are your children, kilomode mo, what do we know…please continue to guide us ooo”

“Hmmmm…so, how much is this money?”

“Just 400,000 kobo only, pere”

“Yepa…iyen lo pe ni pere, that’s what you refer to as ‘only’? You want to go and rig the election for there ni? Even during our days, we don’t spend as much as that…”

“Please, Daddy, you have to give us this Money ooo…Please sir, anything you want us to do, we will do it, anything…”

“Hmmm, you mean anything?”

“Anything sir…”

“Okay, no problem, I will talk to Akapo and the Commander, they will give you the money. But remember, gba fun Muri n’ile, ni gba fun Gbada l’oko, give and take is the spice of life”

“I understand sir. Thank you very much” [Stands up and leave]

Few weeks later

[Unknown location]

“Sabo, are you mad? What was it you were telling people happened in Ajuba at the Squanderer’s Convention?”

“What didn’t happen? I said you are a traitor and I am saying it again, Number 10, you are a traitor. You left our candidate to campaign for another candidate”

“Are you mad? I am a politician and the Number 10 of all the students in this Oyo Kingdom; do you want them to see me as a biased leader? I had to protect my office, don’t you get it? I am very disappointed you can think like this…”

“I am disappointed in you too, you are traitor…I will tell all the Squanderers and Squatters in the Dummy Factory not to trust you again.”

“I will slap you; you are just the age mate of my youngest brother. If not for Dummy Factory and the stupid bonanza they did, you should just be in 100 level by now, premature were”

“Guys calm down now…don’t start washing your dirty linen in the public glare…Number 10, Sabo, ejooo, please”

“What stupid dirty linen, I am clean ni temi, see my hands…they are clean, he’s the one with the dirty cupboard. Your secret is out ooo…and everybody is aware that you were giving 400,000 kobo for the Squanderers’ Convention, yet I fed you and fuel your bus from my own allocation from the palace…”

“Sorry, baba olowo,Daddy Davido”

“Did you spend one naira out of that 400,000 kobo? Tell me…”

“And so what, that one new”

“Shameless person, it’s not your fault, if not for the Suberu and the Honourable-not dummies in the Chamber that can’t even make you accountable for that money, I wonder how they will make you accountable for other bigger money.”

“Go and tell the whole world…Agbaya”

“What is my business? Go ahead and loot your Union dry…after all, there’s a reason they call you Squanderers’ Union”

STORY 2

[Somewhere along the Palace Road, Squatters are singing and dancing on the street. Some past Squanderers are seen gathered discussing in low tone]

“Ha, Victooor, you sef show face?”

“why won’t I? Am I not a stakeholder too? Laye, laye, I cannot allow you to share this money in my back o”

“Haha, oni yeye, shameless person, the 500,000 kobo you stole the other time still dey there… “

“Shhh, kai, don’t call it ‘steal’…it is street money, the Hunter has defined it in the case of Ajimobi versus the Dummy Squatters…”

“shior”

“Na you sabi, let’s not leave one matter talk another one, how are we sharing this money?”

“Farabale jare, calm down, the King is even yet to give us the money and we are not even sure he will give us…”

“No, no, no, don’t even say that, he must give us this money because I already planned for it.”

“See you…be building your castles in the air…”

“Guys calm down, you are frustrating me o…I will leave o”

“Sorry jare, Egbon”

“Good, we will use the ‘Divide-Now’ strategy. As soon as the King gives out the cash, as the Squanderers’ Union Leader, Sabo, you will take it and disappear to that Guest House in the Union Bus, leave Kare to lead the Dummies back to the Factory; you all know the rest of the drill… Good disappear”

[Not far from the same location, same time]

“‘Bimpe, you know I love you, and that’s why I will tell you this secret. Some past Squanderers are already here and do you know what that means? They are here to loot. If you love yourself, just jejely tell the Essay that you will come back to collect the money, the King should just announce it.”

“Nooo, See you know we have a lot of things to do with this money, the Squanderers’ Week is there and we must make sure we squander enough to get the commendation of all squatters.”

“See, I know you are stubborn, if you like go ahead and let them hijack the money, Oyo lo wa. Bye bye”

 

[A couple of weeks later at the Palace]

“Good morning sir, I am the Vice Chairman of the Squanderers’ Union, can you recall my face?”

“Oh, oh, Sabo second in command? Ha, you are beautiful o”

“E se sir, thank you sir”

“What do I offer you to eat and drink, now?”

“Don’t worry sir, e ma se yonu. Actually, we are here to collect the 1 million kobo the King promised us”

“Oh, oh, that one…why are you just coming now…it’ll be hard for you to get the money oooo”

“Ha, please sir, ejoor o, all our hope depends on that money o, ha, is it that the king is yet to release it? Ha, please, let’s go and see him ooo”

“Calm down jare, I am just pulling your leg.”

“Ha, that’s an expensive one ooo”

“Ha, smile now, why is your face hard like this…smile”

“Please, just give us the money”

“Ok, good, this is how we do it. The King promised you 1 million kobo but as the Essay, I will remove 200,000 kobo and give you the rest 80%”

“Ha, ko jo o…the king announced the 1 million kobo to all the Squatters, how will I now tell them it’s no longer a million, it’s now 800,000 kobo, please sir, I have a name to protect.”

“Ha, please, please, so I am the one with the bad name? See, you should be thanking me that I am giving you this much, I don’t this kind of deal…I am just doing it for some personal reasons.”

“Ha, sir, we can’t take 800,000 kobo from you o, it must be complete.”

“See, I had a better deal from your chairman. He called earlier begging that I hand over the money promising me that he’s ready to forgo 50% of the money.”

“Ehn…that can never be true, you mean Sabo called you to him the money for 50%?”

“I know you won’t believe me and that’s why I recorded his call. See he was begging me to give him the money on 50/50 level and you are here forming Buhari for me, you better park well. Here for yourself” [Plays the recording]

“Walahi talahi, Sabo is a saboteur”

“Wo, don’t waste my time, are you taking it or not?”

[Soft tune of T.Y Bello playing in the background]

We are the future 

We are the dream 

We are the nation

We are part of this 

Yes we are so amazing 

That's the least we shall be 

Heart of the nation changing history 

How can they say that we are finished 

We have just begun…

LIKE A UI CAB, STORIES JOURNEY, HAVING NO START POINT OR A PERMANENT BUS-STOP. THIS IS NEITHER THE BEGINNIG NOR THE END OF THIS STORY!

READERS’ DISCRETION IS SEVERELY ADVISED!  

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *