RUDIMENTS OF UI PROTESTS 1 (PROTEST 101)

CARO

On Thursday night, I was jejely sleeping in my room around 11pm when I began to hear

SOLI SOLI SOLI

Solidarity foreeeeeevah! Sooolidarity foreeeeevah!

I was like whatcan faa! Kilosele! I was already taken away in my forced sleep after Maintenance refuse to bring light since the previous day. My roommates already rushed outside. Protest ke! On top what! Yes, there was no light that night! Beht light had been off for only less than 24 hours which indicated that something must have been wrong.  And they rolled past Idia and rolled away. I opened one eye and killed another mosquito! And in order not to be disturbed in my beauty sleep like that again, I turned on my phone torch and decided it was time to teach people, especially those freshers that were shouting after my friends who passed through Indy!

PROTESTS CAN ONLY START IN INDY AND ZIK

Most times, it is Zik! Those people! Protest is their surname! Aro is their middle name. Like if your name is Dayo and you’re a Zikite. Your full name is Dayo Aro Protest! Ehn! Those people can protest if rain did not fall in dry season or if there are too much stars in the sky. Before you know it, it is SOLI SOLI SOLI! And you will see crowd, several with ordinary singlet! All those fine bois that you see in the afternoon, they will be drumming pot like village drunkards in the night! That’s why I don’t like dating students! How will someone say the boyfriend of a whole SISI CARO is going about UI half-naked using spoon to beat pot and singing SOBU SOBU, Eyinmba Eyim! I will just dis-boyfriend him straightaway! I don’t condone nonsense! Thus! If you will start a protest, you must come from Zik or Indy! If you are from any of those hostels! Only three people will follow you! And one of them is probably looking for a companion to see him off to Zik to chop beans! While the other is dead bored or half-blood Katangite!

IDIAITES, QUEENITES AND AWOITES WILL ONLY LEAD YOU IN SPIRIT

We love you, our dear prostesters abi protestants ni! But we cannot follow you! Go in peace or pieces as it may seem! We just cannot follow you. Some of us want to o!  You know SISI CARO likes fighting for people. Beht we’d probably delay you because you don’t give 24 hour notice for the protest and we’d need to take a shower and apply make-up to follow you! Why? Because we might want to take SELFIES na! Protest or no protest, my fans must always meet SISI CARO at home!

We Idiates want to follow you. Beht them dey quick lock our gates! And we don’t want to disrupt the protest! Some boys are just out to see if SISI CARO will join the protest and disrupt the protest by gathering round me to ask for autographs!

And Queenites! Yes Queenites! Forget those ones! They will just be snapping you and be waving at you! For their mind, they’re like! Awon Zikites! They have come again! God bless them! Human Rights Army! Oya go and bring us light! Kisses in the air!

Awo can release like two people sha. They are your loyal wives. And na dem dey get light problem pass. They know exactly where the shoe is pinching you!

IF THERE IS LIGHT, IT WILL BE RESTORED AFTER YOU’RE HALFWAY GONE

One of the reasons we don’t follow you is that, we know that as soon as you’re on the road to maintenance, they’d restore the light! And once you get to the Hall, they might take it off! This has happened several times! Someone needs to use that short-lived light!

WE DON’T DESTROY PROPERTIES IN UI, WE ONLY THREATEN TO!

Well, this is one of the reasons I love UI! It is a rare occurrence that a UI protest will lead to vandalism or arson! No, we don’t do that! They were bought with our father’s cocoa money and we don’t want our fathers’ or the cocoa turning in the grave because we’re destroying their properties and creating a lacuna where none exists! Chikena! If you lead a protest and you destroy UI property, everybody will just stop and return to their rooms! You have entaad gobe niyen!

IN UI, OUR PROTESTS ARE SIMPLY CARNIVALS!

Yaaaaaay! Protest time! Carnival time! Memorable protests there! Asides from the fact that you can confidently not go to class! Protest time is that single time you can dance round the school singing different war songs or your favourite adulterated street songs without people thinking you’re mad or need medical attention. Who would not love that! There was a time we danced for hours outside the school gate and people watched deliriously.

THE VC IS ALWAYS OUT OF THE COUNTRY WHEN YOU PROTEST

More than often not, Adewole would have travelled to Japan or China whenever real protests bring down the school. He always has his way of disappearing! Wizard buruku! Only if I could become our VC’s side-chick, we could be going on Protest Vacation together! Abi na! SISI CARO IN JAPAN! Wont you like that headline! VC ABSCONDS WITH SISI CARO TO HONG KONG! Thank you! Your own too will come!

IF YOUR PROTEST DINT LOCK SCHOOL GATE OR CAUSE EXAM SHIFT, YOU JUST WASTED YOUR TIME

People that lead protest and end it at maintenance are just joggers looking for ignorant crowd! Who leads a protest to Maintenance at night, where no one would welcome them and then turn around and go back to their rooms! If you join that protest, you are either a fresher or you have been used. You should have just organized a charity walk or marathon and shared biscuit at the end! Mtcheeew! And they will want classy people like SISI CARO to follow! I am a busy woman!

Your protest must lock down school gate before we think you have started! You can even extend the ginger to Agbowo and maybe Bodija! SOME HALLS WOULD SAY THEY’RE PROTESTING AND LOCK THEIR HALL’S GATE, saying nobody should pass! Is that a PROTEST or an IMPRISONMENT! Orisirisi!

Your protest must attract attention! From the world! The greatest feeling I ever had was being interviewed by CHANNELS TV during a protest! Mehn! God bless the person that started that protest! I was like,

“You see, these people, they does not give us light! (sobs). How does they want us to pass when we cannot charge our laptop, our blackberries, our iPads and iPhones! I mean, (sobs) we can’t even see the road to the kitchen at night or use our microwave nor fix our hair extensions! (sobs)”.

I dint know what was funny! The reporter was just laughing! And he murmured something like “This geh is a wasted admission slot, doesn’t deserve light” I don’t care anyway!

If you want to impress me, get Al Jazeera to interview me on your protest!

AND THE MOST MEMORABLE PROTEST…

The greatest protest yet was the WALKATHON TO DUGBE!  That Protest that we walked from UI to DUGBE! That was CLASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! That is the definition of a protest! Loool! I dint walk na! Other people did! People like us were in the convoys! Some boys hijacked some city buses and rolled away to Dugbe NEPA office! It was memorable! I’m still looking for the person that started that protest, he owes me a date.

TILL NEXT TIME…. Learn how to lead a proper protest!

 

SISI CARO

Your duchess of Information and Propaganda

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