THIS IS NIGERIA: A short story

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By Karshams

Disclaimer: Readers discretion is strongly advised

I am the tourist attendant. Let me take you on a voyage around this historic country.

How do I even welcome you to this great country, Nigeria? Should I begin by referring you to search, using Google, for the World Poverty Capital? Or I should just put it to you directly that you are highly welcome to a country with plethora of corrupt leaders? Whichever way you’d prefer, welcome to my country because this is Nigeria.

You see, Nigeria as a country is not difficult to identify or define. No matter which angle you look at it you’ll always get the proper glimpse of this country. My love for this country is so much that if I am given a citizenship of UK, I’d gladly accept it. Well, I’m just being Patriotic.

I hope you all know that Nigeria is the giant of Africa. Believe it or not, Africa is the centre piece of Nigeria’s foreign policy but then, Nigeria’s title as Africa’s giant comes with commendable acts of corruption, especially from those who glue their bottoms to the seats at Aso Rock Villa and those who address themselves as constituted authorities but in actual sense, constitute no authorities.

I am also sure you know that Nigeria is the largest economy in Africa, but it would worry you to know that Nigerians are dying of hunger. You may want to ask if that’s possible. Well, this is Nigeria where the nation’s wealth is siphoned by private individuals in the forsaken names Presidents, Sinators, un-Honourables, Governors and the like. You see, we can’t really blame these people as it is glaring that they try their possible best all-round the clock to ensure a better Nigeria and their achievable feat is that about 90 million Nigerians are in “extreme poverty.”

I am not sure whether it’s a rumour, but I heard Nigeria also is Africa’s largest producer of rice and the price of rice is too cheap that the citizens afford to buy less or none of it. I would also like to clarify that the current mishaps in the country is not the product of bad leaders. The current administration especially engages in “tactical governance,” which Nigerians fell in love with it that they have to call for a revolution for change of governance.

Nigerian leaders are up-and-doing. They struggle in their own minds to build a country of our dreams by vehemently making sure that the citizens remain silent in the face of tyranny. That’s the Freedom of Silence. Though, this is not stipulated in the Constitution, our political leaders have a way of creating their own kind of law and whatever they say is final.

Nigeria is the only giant of Africa that boasts of many great resources both in material and human wise, that even the western countries don’t have, no wonder Donald Trump keeps making crazy commentaries on Nigeria.

Nigeria is the only country in the world that has “President-within-presidents.” This is a common phenomenon in Nigeria. You see, if you are the President of Nigeria, you must be under the control of another president(s) who probably may comprise of family members, friends et cetera. People call them “cabals.” It’s a known fact that a single president is not competent enough to make decisions for this country, so he/she has to take dictates from fellow unconstitutionally-recognized presidents and in that way, the country will transcend faster than a jet with supersonic speed. Aside Nigeria that boasts of this nice but shitty development in governance, which other country does this?

In addition, Nigeria is the only security-conscious country in the whole of the universe that her military requires spiritual assistance to ward off the evils of insurgents’ attacks. This though is dismally hilarious, but it’s a welcome idea. Nigeria has many religious faithfuls. If every one of them raise their voices to the Most High to completely annihilate terrorists while the military goes to sleep, no doubt insecurity would no longer be a topic of interest in Nigeria.

You may want to ask that, does the President himself or any of the political office holders leave their royal castles unprotected while they supplicate for divine protection from above? A simple answer, the way the In Nigeria, there is a huge gap between the rulers and those that gave legitimacy to the rulers. It is still democracy, but not the one that was aptly defined by Abraham Lincoln.

I know this may sound quite incredulous but Nigeria is the best country in terms of educational system. Seriously, Nigeria’s educational system is drastically on the decline but this is still something our leaders have to be proud of since they enroll their children in foreign universities. In fact, the amount of naira injected in the educational sector is so large that the members of ASUU and other bodies continually have to go on industrial actions to advocate for better educational system in the country.

Nigeria’s educational system is alright at least Nigerian varsities take joy in ranging between “800 and 1000” in World Universities Rankings while ascribing different tags to their initial nomenclatures such as “first and the best,” “the nation’s first choice,” “oba awon university” and so forth. Very soon, Nigeria would boast of her own locally-made aeroplane even in this bad governance that has sunk the country low. A pessimistic Facebook user one said “that would when Nigeria is re-colonized.” But I disagree with that idea. Building a locally-made aeroplane is a development that has been in existence. With local items like cardboards, pencils, rulers, blade, rubber bands etc., who says Nigeria cannot build her own aeroplane?

What more can I say about this giant of Africa. Maybe I should say that this giant is a man who in Mugabe’s voice left six cars and ‘gymed’ for six packs. Ridden with confusion, no sense of belonging and fear in his heart, he hopes to scare away the little ones. While receiving mockery, sarcasm, excretion and contempt from the other end, the giant is still proud of his achievement—his broad but empty chest.

KARSHAMS

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