TALES FROM THE DUMMY FACTORY

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A SATIRE—-

CAUTION: Dummy Factory is a fictitious place in sub-saharan Africa. It is located East of Skileshi, North of Limpopo and West of Skelemba. All the characters are also very fictional. However, there are few ones that seem to be real, ignore them, they are the works of an unfulfilled prophecy – T.B Joshua at work!.

PRELUDE

[Soft tune of A national ANTHEM playing from a radio in the background]Oh! God of this factory

Director our no-ble curse

Guide our squanderers right

Help our squatters the truth to know

In love and nonesty to grow

And live in just nothing truth…

 

[Squatter Affairs Division, Dummy Factory]

“Congratulations sir…igba yin a tu wa lara o…your time will be prosperous for us”

(All chorus) “Amin o”

“Thank you very much my brothers. Thank you. I appreciate you all for coming to this meeting despite the short notice. This is a good omen, it means we are all dedicated to this cause and I want to promise you that you will all reap the good fruits.”

“We know you should have been considered for this position for a long time…we know of your beautiful antecedents in Katangi republic and how you successfully tamed their tigers. We know your enemies were at work when for more than a decade you were not given this position…but Alhamdulillah, here you are, finally, you are compensated despite the fact that we have more qualified people. We know you are old but wisdom is what the elders use in killing the stubborn mosquito. We need that wisdom…”

“(cuts in) Sorry to cut you short, my brother…we are even happy that you are coming at such a critical moment when the okra tree of these squatters and their squanderers is already getting taller than the owner. We only need your wisdom to cut them to their respective sizes…”

“Thank you Dejo and Abiose. I really appreciate you. So that we don’t leave matter to discuss matter, let me go straight to today’s agenda – The Taming of Squatters and their Squanderers. We don’t want a situation whereby some hoodlums will hijack the factory from us hold everyone to ransom. If we must crush them, we need to use the weapon of fear. We need to restore fear back into the system. That means all warders must stop indulging the squatters, any silly mistake, send them to the Central Punishment Centre. If they must sneeze, we must approve it, if they must fart, we must approve it. They must stop thinking for themselves…until we take over their minds, we will not be able to produce the perfect dummies this factory was established to do. And trust me, I have kept 3 days vigil of fasting and prayer to be able to come up with all these strategies.”

“Please a round of applause for Baba Egbere” (All clap)

“Thank you, thank you. You know it’s not easy to be the Chief Warder of a whole Dummy Factory, you must yourself have been perfectly dummied. So, as I was saying. The tactics we are using is called ODS – short form for Operation Dummify the Squanderers First. (All mutter “hmmmmm”) yes, because even Alexandra the Great, our Macedonian brother believed that an army of lions led by a sheep is already dummified! He conquered the whole world with that strategy, he couldn’t have been wrong.”

“Hmmm…that’s true o”

“So, here’s the details of the operation. First of all, we need to seize their finances, so what we do is to force them to close all their offshore accounts with Swiss Bank, all accounts must be operated with the Alamu Alajo, the thrift collector in the factory. And since Alamu is our person, we can always do what we want with the money. Secondly, we must make sure a factory supervisor is a principal signatory to that account. No more rag day, no more picnics, everything they need to do must be done in this factory and lastly, lights out is by 6.00pm. Bingo, and they become dummies! (Silence) Can’t you see the master plan?

“(Clears throat) Actually, at a point, I was thinking these squanderers are too smart for this plan to work but then, I remembered that you’re the Chief Warder of all Squatters. You can only be right. Something must be wrong with my thinking faculty, pardon me for thinking it might not work.”

“Please go to Taja, before it gets virusified. Baba Egbere, that was a beautiful plan, if Abraham Lincoln himself were to come to this Dummy Factory, I doubt if he can come up with a better plan to dummify the Squatters. But I have some concerns, we all know, the Balubi and Kantangi republics are very rebellious and it may take more than the expected time for them to be dummified…”

“Trust me, I already thought about that. The English people say, show me your friend and I will tell you who you are….hmmm…you see, what we do is to break one of the two…and the other stands dummified! From records, the squanderers from the Kantagi republic have some bones in their closet, it will be very easy to break them…and once we do….Balubi will follow automatically.”

“Wao…” (All claps)

“And finally (In low tone) once we are in charge of the finances, we can always settle ourselves after all there is a tangible reason the English man called it Work-chop…hahahahahaha”

[A year before, at the Unit of Mis-Education, squatters are seen gathered reading the notice board]

“Yepa! Arungun l’omo Murabak ooo…The stupid boy has embezzled our money. See figures…”

“Why must these people live up to their names? The fact that you are a Squanderer doesn’t gives you the license to recklessly squander”

“See o, see o, the Unit Adviser even borrowed 5,000,000 kobo from him…yeee! Mogbe!”

“How will the meat not get missing from the pot, when we have assigned the cat to watch over it?”

“So, that’s how he will go scot free, ori mummy a da ooo…ori Iya mi Alata, the poor pepper seller that gave me the due to pay to this bastard, her destiny will fight oooo”

[Present time. At the Unit of Un-science]

“Guy, how far our package na…we no go do picnic too?”

“Wo, package ko, sample ni…just hold your lane. As a matter of fact, I am very angry right now!”

“Guy, I don’t care if you are a Squanderer, I paid to you and you owe me explanation. Kilosele…”

“See, our Sub-Warden has gone to Jerusalem…”

“So…”

“We can’t withdraw any fucking money from the Alamu Alajo, the thrift collector…we have to wait ooo”

“Seriously, by the way, since when has that started?”

“See, go and ask the Warden.”

[At the Unit of Agri-unculture]

“Ogbeni you can’t probe me!”

“We will audit you. The House has the power over you…you must be accountable.”

“Fine! Fine! You will audit me but that’s after you have audited the warden.”

“What did you say?”

“You heard me right, alakori oshi…you better come and eat your own…”

[At Ikenne Hamlet]

“Mummy, I have been trying to call you. I even left a letter for you with the Unit Supervisor”

“Ehn…kilode…what is it again?”

“I want to draw your attention to the broken sewage pipe ni…”

“Wait, are you deaf? I told you there’s no money…the money you people have with Alamu Alajo, come and borrow us, if you want us to repair it.”

“Ha, no ma ooo, the Senior Squatters will skin me alive ooo…that’s the money meant for their sign out party.”

“Ehn …ehn…so, let’s leave it then till we have money in the hamlet”

“Ha, Cholera outbreak ma, cholera can happen o…the lives of all the squatters are at stake ooo…emi eeyan ma ni…people’s lives at stake”

“Don’t worry, that’s why Taja is there, they will give you Paracetamol and Postinor2…let it be since you have decided to hold on to your money…bye bye”

“No, that money…we told you what it’s meant for. Please ma, the lives of the squatters are at stake…just imagine if they were to be your children…”

“Over my living body…all my children are already working…doctors and lawyers…who will pray for dummies like you.”

“Ha…”

“Ehn ehn, by the way, if you refuse to give us that money, you know we are now principal signatory to the account…we will not allow your successors to access that money. Stubborn goat.”

[Earlier this year. At Sultan Hamlet. The squatters just finished a protest. Different hashtags can be seen on the messengers’ lodge]

#BrinkBackOurWarder #ToHellWithSub-WarderBeingSignatory #BringBackOurTVSubscription #BringBackOurFreshDummiesParty #WeAreTheAccount #FreeUs

[At Aunty ‘Lizzy Hamlet recently]

“If we didn’t protest against that palasa book and that yeye kit that other day, they will think we are not dummified”

“Abio, we shook her, ole omo jati jati…hahaha, haba 3,000,000 kobo, a whole 3,000,000 kobo and you gave us that are we dumb ni? A whole squatter fa? God saved her, I wanted to stone her…believe me”

“Seriously? But I don’t get ooo…My own is that, I just want a report on how they spent all that money, 4,500,000,000,000 kobo! Chai…”

“I heard she doctored the report she gave us at the Squatters’ Gathering. Serpent!”

“Yes, I heard that too…and she said, the Warder knows about everything…yepa!”

“Pekele pekele arugbo j’e gbese!”

[At Premier Hostel.]

“Apari omo iya aje…where is our beans ooo, where is our money?”

“Where is our cow?!”

“Where is our A-list artiste?”

“How did you spend our money? Thank you for the shirt anyway…but where is our food?”

“(Talking to a fellow beside him) But I heard our money is not with Alamu Alajo the thrift collector now…and we are still in control just like Tether Hostel and Balubi…so, kilosele? What happened to all the money?”

[More than a year ago. Squatter Affairs Division, Dummy Factory]

“Daddy ejoo, e ma je ki n ni extra year…ejooo”

“Stop begging me o…you must face CPC.”

“We didn’t embezzle the money, I swear, we just didn’t know how it went”

“Tell that to the Central Punishment Centre. How almost 3,000,000,000,000 kobo disappeared from your account, I hope you will have the gut to tell them how you didn’t know how it went…ole omo”

“Baba Egbere, e joo…If this gets to the CPC, you know I am finished, please, help my career. Please sir…”

“See, this is not about me. The Auditing Elders have submitted their report and you have been indicted. Please, stop begging…in fact, get out of my office!”

“Daddy ejo, you know I have been a very good son. If not for those animals in the Balubi Republic, my tenure would have been the most peaceful. You know I tried sir. Please forgive me.”

“Hmmm…as if I did not know everything. Sha stand up…you turn yourself to hunter, hunting down money upanddan…”

“E ma binu sir…”

“Sha go and sin no more…”

[Soft tune of DUMMY FACTORY ANTHEM playing in the background]

Unibadan first and best in the Savannah

Raise true minds for a no-ble cause

Social justice, equal chances

Greatness won with no-nest toil

Guide our people this to NO

Wisdom’s not best to service turn

Help de-enshrine the right to learn

For a mind knows

Is a mind that squanders…

 

THESE STORIES ARE MANY, MOST HAVE HAPPENED, SOME ARE HAPPENING, MANY ARE MISSING AND OTHERS WILL HAPPEN LATER. You don’t even know where this belong to, do you? Just know that this is not the beginning nor the end!

READERS’ DISCRETION IS SEVERELY ADVISED!

 

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